The Circle Game

Captives on the carousel

A beautiful evening in the city. They strolled down a quiet street near her mother’s townhouse. Soon they passed a neon sign where citizens were invited to vote early. The light lit up the night, un-ignorable.

Photo credit: stock.adobe.com

Mrs Miller asked her husband, “Do you think there’s going to be chaos after the election?” She’d watched an interview foretelling the crisis and wondered where her husband stood on the issue. She would ‘lead with curiosity,’ like that relationship podcast suggested.

Mr Miller answered yes.

Mrs Miller asked if he thought it would be the same level of chaos no matter who won. She felt it important to clarify. Leave no stone unturned. After all, open communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

Mr Miller said it would be worse if Kamala Harris won, because “Trump likes to rile people up.”

She gritted her teeth. Curiosity slipped into the quicksand, gasping and reaching for a vine, only to be replaced with stunning exasperation—that he ‘went there’ after all their previous arguments, after he’d lobbied to leave politics out of their relationship.

Why would he hurl an insult at her candidate now?

Would she bite the bait and fight the un-winnable fight? Or would she keep her trap shut and try to pretend it hadn’t happened? Pretend she could let it slide.

Oh, who was she kidding.

The elephant had outgrown the room, its trunk nearly strangling her. She would open the cage door and walk in, and a circus metaphor would trumpet, stomp, and shit on the floor.

Let the wild rumpus start!

First though, a single preparation—pressing record on her phone’s voice memo application. She would preserve the conversation because otherwise it would slip like the years into the ether and the memory of it wound bend and warp like an old record forgotten in the sun.

She knew the recording would shed as much light as that neon sign. With a recording she’d be able to excavate their crippled dance, comb through the provocations, the bedlam, the insults. Maybe she’d uncover the seed of their real problem—the fracture underneath the swelling. The source.

And of course, she’d write it down. So grab your popcorn and welcome. The show is about to begin.

🎪

Mrs: Do you still think he’s an existential threat to democracy?

Mr: I think he is a chaotic person. I think he thrives on chaos. His entire four years was just chaos, chaos, chaos. His entire campaign is chaos.

Mrs: What about her campaign? She’s not in chaos?

Mr: No.

Mrs: What about the fact that she wasn’t even nominated, nobody voted for her. Swapping Biden out and pretending he doesn’t have dementia. Is that a little chaotic?

Mr: Are we pretending Trump doesn’t have any form of dementia as well?

Mrs: I’m not pretending. He doesn’t. Is he worse than Biden?

Mr: Yes, because he has autocratic tendencies.

Mrs: HA! Why? Because he’s going to be a tyrannical dictator?

Mr: No, because he doesn't seem to care for the rule of law. He seems to do things his own way.

Mrs: What about Kamala letting people out of convictions because there were ‘mostly peaceful protests?’ Or putting someone in jail who was innocent? How is that respecting the rule of law?

Mr: That’s sometimes what happens with prosecutors. I’m not saying she’s perfect. I would definitely prefer her over Trump, though.

Mrs: Oh my God. I just think she’s an empty suit. I think she repeats the same nauseating taglines over and over again. She panders. She has no distinctive platform. She flip-flops. She’s like, we’re the party of joy. She seems really angry and irritable. And then she doesn’t do interviews.

Mr: She absolutely does interviews.

Mrs: She did the one with the Bret Baier where she was an idiot.

Mr: She was not an idiot. She held her own.

Mrs: He said, how do you account for the last three and a half years with a 79% disapproval rating? And she said, yeah, but Trump’s running. And he’s like, yeah, but Trump’s not in office. You are. She didn’t hold her own.

Mr: I would have to see it to know what you’re talking about. But you hate Kamala. I hate Trump.

Mrs: Yeah, but I hate the Democratic Party more. I would dislike whatever candidate, but I am not deranged about Kamala.

Mr: You sound a little deranged about Kamala, actually.

Mrs: I’m deranged that you don’t even try to respect where I’m coming from, whereas I lived my whole life where you are coming from. And I’m afraid it’s going to destroy our entire marriage.

Mr: It can if you let it—

Mrs: The fact that you say, wow, you’re in deep is so condescending and disdainful and disrespectful.

Mr: OK, as long as nothing you say is condescending to me.

Mrs: Well, I wouldn't have said it if—

Mr: Yeah, that’s right.

Mrs: You did it first.

Mr: Yes. And that’s why I don’t want to talk about this stuff. That’s why I—

Mrs: Yeah, but now we’re in it.

Mr: Yeah, we are. And we are not going to agree. We’re just not. The fact that you don’t respect my opinion upsets me as well.

Mrs: I started with an innocent question.

Mr: Right, and then you kept going at me. And then you finally said, do you think it’s going to be the same thing on both sides? And I gave my answer as to why I didn’t.

Mrs: You said, I think it’ll be worse if Kamala wins.

Mr: Right.

Mrs: Because Trump riles people up.

Mr: Because he, we’ve seen him, we saw him on January 6th.

Mrs: Nobody shot at Kamala, OK? So whatever he is saying to ‘foment all this hatred and vitriol,’ he’s the one who’s had two or three assassination attempts.

Mr: Oh, he’s wonderful. He’s had two assassination attempts.

Mrs: Yeah. How many has Kamala had? How many has Biden had? How many has Obama had? ZERO.

Mr: The first assassination attempt has been found to be a big flaw of the Secret Service.

Mrs: Yeah, why is that?

Mr: Because of the deep state, honey. It’s because of the deep state.

Mrs: Oh, OK, so that’s more I’m ‘in deep.’

Mr: You are. You’re in over your head.

Mrs: I’m in over my head?

Mr: You’re in over my head. You’re, sorry.

Mrs: Once the veil’s lifted, babe.

Mr: Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, the red pill. ‘I’ve seen the truth.’

Mrs: What you’re seeing is not the truth.

Mr: Nothing YOU can be seeing is anything but the truth. Why have his, why have so many security officials decided to not vote for Trump and to vote for Kamala?

Mrs: Trump derangement syndrome?

Mr: Oh yeah, it’s Trump derangement syndrome. There’s no way they could actually have worked with him and seen the danger that he is.

Mrs: Oh, he’s a danger.

Mr: That’s what they say. That’s what fucking General Milley said.

Mrs: He’s probably an idiot too.

Mr: Oh, mm-hmm, General Milley? He’s like a four or five-star general. Everybody’s an idiot except Trump, who’s a fucking genius.

Mrs: I didn’t say he was a genius—

Mr: ‘Person, woman, man… I took, I took my cognitive… I got the cognitive. Trump’s got the cognitive.’

Mrs: You know what’s funny is that even Republicans who love Trump still know he’s human and he’s flawed. They’re not calling him a genius. They’re not saying that he’s always bringing his A-game. They’re not voting for his rhetoric. They’re voting for his policies and his ability to survive. He is a fucking rock star right now.

Mr: For a little less than half the country.

Mrs: The obstacles he has gotten over—the lawfare? The bullets?

Mr: The lawfare! That’s not the way the courts work. It’s not ‘lawfare.’ It’s—It doesn't matter. You’re going to excuse him for whatever he does. And that’s fine.

Mrs: And you’re going to excuse Kamala.

Mr: I’m not going to excuse her for anything.

Mrs: No, you’re not going to excuse her because you’re not even going to listen to her. You’re just going to vote for her.

Mr: Then tell me what I should excuse her for. For saying some word salad sometimes

Mrs: Sometimes? She can’t answer a question ever. She’s not a real person.

Mr: Oh my God.

Mrs: I’d so much rather sit down for a drink with Trump than her—or a Diet Coke. Since he doesn’t drink.

Mr: Oh, yes. So clever.

Mrs: Wow, you’re an asshole.

Mr: I know. I am. I just find him to be the most repellent person.

Mrs: And then by association me for supporting him and liking him?

Mr: No, it upsets me that you do support him and like him, but I can live with it.

Mrs: I can’t live with you being an asshole. I can’t live with you treating me this way.

Mr: I’m sorry, but you are treating me the same way that I’m treating him.

Mrs: Okay, so fine. Maybe you can’t live with that either.

Mr: I can’t believe—this is why I don’t want to talk about this, because it shouldn’t mean this much. But all I did was give an answer, and I feel like I just got railed against.

Mrs: You railed against him, and I disagree. I think it’s the mainstream media misconstruing his words and then riling everybody up. That’s what I think, and that is my experience of it now that I pay attention.

Mr: Now that I pay attention.

Mrs: What does that mean?

Mr: You’re saying it as if I don’t pay attention.

Mrs: No, I'm saying it because I used to not pay attention.

Mr: But now you pay attention to a whole other set of people who are apologists for him.

Mrs: They’re not apologists for him at all! And that is also condescending and insulting.

Mr: I don't want to have this.

Mrs: See, this is the thing. At the very beginning, and ever since, you’ve refused to look at anything I’m talking about, and now you’ve come to the conclusion that I’m in too deep, I’m in over your head, I’m this close to wearing a tinfoil hat.

Mr: I have looked at the stuff you have sent me in the past, and I have disagreed.

Mrs: Raising the minimum wage is a terrible idea. The price controls on groceries is a terrible idea.

Mr: Tariffs is a terrible idea.

Mrs: The economy was better under Trump.

Mr: You know why the economy was better under Trump? Because he inherited a great economy from Obama. Biden inherited a shitty economy from Trump because of the Covid years.

Mrs: How about no wars were started when Trump was president?

Mr: This is a true statement. The question of whether that’s because of Trump or because of some other things is not, we don’t know the story behind that. It’s entirely possible that...

Mrs: Well, the way Trump says it is...

Mr: Uh-huh. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead.

Mrs: If you’re going to invade Ukraine, I’m going to... He was like, I’m going to... you’re not going to want to do it. And he didn’t do it.

Mr: I actually heard a thing recently that it is entirely possible that because of the Afghanistan withdrawal, that Putin thought, oh, now’s a good time.

Mrs: And who bungled the Afghanistan withdrawal?

Mr: Biden. But who set up the Afghanistan withdrawal? Trump was not innocent.

Mrs: It was bungled under Biden. And what about the border?

Mr: Yes, the border was a train wreck. And what about Trump not telling his people to not vote for the border bill?

Mrs: That bill, first of all, would have let more immigrants in. You have brought up that bill so many times. It also had attached to it like billions of dollars for Ukraine. It was a shitty bill.

Mr: Well how do you feel about the 10 million immigrants being deported that are currently in the United States?

Mrs: If they’re here illegally, they should go. And they should certainly not be given driver’s licenses and voting cards and ATM cards and apartments.

Mr: They’re not being given voting cards.

Mrs: And what about the Venezuelan gang members taking over apartment buildings in Colorado?

Mr: That's also proven wrong.

Mrs: There are people bloody on the Internet talking about it!

Mr: A lot of these things...

Mrs: What are you going to tell me? It’s only a few apartment buildings?

Mr: No, I'm going to tell you that a lot of these things are blown way out of proportion.

Mrs: If one Venezuelan gang takes over one apartment building, that’s completely unacceptable. How many apartment buildings need to be taken over by a Venezuelan gang in order for it...

Mr: Seven or eight. Seven. Okay. Okay.

🤡

That was Mr Miller inserting a joke. Probably as a sort of white flag. We will give him that. Maybe on some level he was trying to remind Mrs of the love that brought them together in the first place, way back in the nineties for heaven’s sake.

So let’s press pause. We don’t need to hear any more. We have more than enough.

🤡

Just know, the recording goes on for ten more minutes before it’s cut off, and the argument continues after that still. Different topics, same arguments. Mrs Miller practically screams the whole time. Mr Miller ridicules. None of it is pretty.

Afterward her throat hurts while he mopes, sad and exhausted. They are spent in the worst way.

But she does manage in the end to communicate that it is his condescension and meanness that repels her far more than his political allegiance. If only he could approach her with curiosity instead of scorn. To his credit he admits he has a problem to sort out—and the problem is not her. It’s him.

He tosses and turns that night but she finally sleeps soundly and wakes up calm because she got through to him, just a little. A connection was made.

But they’re not done yet. There is still work to be done and then there is November.

She’ll keep writing. Documenting. Exploring. And she’ll wait for him to soften. And she’ll work on healing herself no matter what. And she’ll wonder, will their dance ever change? Is it a spiral toward healing or destruction? Or a circle going nowhere?

That song pops into her head. The one from when she was so small and the world was still a mystery—And the seasons, they go round and round and the painted ponies go up and down… We’re captive on the carousel of time...

Captives on the carousel.

🎠

Oh God, please guide me. I’m ready. Let this horse break free.

🐎

Please consider upgrading to a paid subscription if you find value in my work, or feel free to buy me a coffee. I 🤎 coffee. Thank you for your support.