OK - this one made ME teary. Good work, Mrs. Miller - this life long lefty may not be entirely on board with abandoning my party (and work), but I read you loudly and clearly, and am completely behind sowing the seeds of critical thinking like this. It's vital, and remarkably absent in our polarized climate. I will continue to work from within. Bravo.
Oh my goodness, I love your style. Thanks for these laughs (thankful no one heard me). Our prom, a sparkly butler jacket and tails, last theater show tomorrow, graduation soon. Almost cried when she said her real name at Christmas to introduce herself to a new group of teens with brothers present ... never in a million years would I have guessed that this would be my (all of us, our) reality.
Great progress Mrs. M! I've heard other teenagers bemoaning the lack of "critical thinking skills" in their own generation. I have also heard them being worried themselves about how addictive and harmful social media can be. Their brains are not all the way developed, but at 16 or 17 they can certainly think about and see these inconsistencies and form beliefs about reality. It's part of self-definition, just like we all went through as teens and (actually) are still going through as adults. After all, gender ideology certainly is incoherent and harmful, but it is also a labyrinth of colorful and fun beliefs that are deeply appealing to try on, like a glitter tux or a prom dress. I figure the kids themselves will replace GI as it becomes uncool and passe. AND this happens because of conversations with adults or reading things adults have written, seeds planted as you did with the perfect analogy to the Gaza protests. They may not admit it, but that's how it changes. They still actually need adults to help guide them and deep inside they know it. Maybe they are making Tik Tok videos about the importance of critical thinking and social media addiction and these ideas are percolating at the fringes of the teen culture into normal. Can't happen soon enough!
I know you cannot share publicly but would love to see how the tux turns out!
Barring a few minor details, I could’ve written the same essay based on my experiences with my daughter in the past month - the tux for prom, the convos about Gaza and how everyone oversimplifies it, the whole name thing. And we were just in KoP (briefly) a few weeks ago! Who knows, we may have crossed paths. Doppelgängers passing in the night…
"The question remains as to whether Miss Miller was also relieved to be referred to as she/her—as her mother’s daughter—amongst sturdy neighborhood folks. Of course I don’t ask. "
I'm just an Internet nobody, but I read that and thought " oh, please please please don't ask. Don't mention. Let her land herself." And I felt my heart flutter when you asked if she could handle one more thing. And then you STILL didn't mention gender! Again, I'm no expert on dealing with these issues but my opinion is great job Mom.
Suppressing your own questions and anxieties and urgent wishes to know, because it's the right thing to do for your daughter, is what parenting is supposed to be. And planting seeds is so important. First off, the Gaza war is an important thing to talk about in it's own right. But more to the point, at her age, she should be taking in bits of information and perspectives around her and checking in with how they feel and then synthesizing her own views from that... Including views that seemingly have little to do with the tidbit at hand. It seems you are pretty clear on that. But I want to tell you that, from a limited outsider's view, I can already see it working. She doesn't need you to tell her what to think, nor will she likely accept it. But, when you give her space to decide for herself, and find ways to share your views while avoiding topics or specific conversations that would be hurtful for both of you and shut her down, she seems to be responding well.
She apparently has a good head on her shoulders, and she seems like she is very capable of doing the critical thinking on her own. So letting her do that is going to be so much more beneficial both for your relationship (which is a high predictor of her future success regardless of anything else), but also just for her personal development. Of course you definitely want to keep her from making any irreversible decisions, and it seems like she's probably not even close to that at this point anyway, but other than that, it appears that she is coming along in her own time, her own way. And while I am not diminishing the hurt this has caused to everyone in your family, ALL families have those kinds of painful conflicts over something or other as kids reach adulthood. But notwithstanding that, this may actually prove to be an experience that greatly benefits her long-term, because it will help her make key decisions about her identity and values while developing confidence. So, I'm cheering you on!
Oh and btw, I think she looks pretty nice in a tux. And I kind of love that she IS going in a tux, (presumably?) "identifying" as a boy, while otherwise presenting in a feminine way. My hope is that stuff like that might eventually become an example to younger kids that it's not necessary to adhere to strict gender norms, and to identify as whatever gender you want to look like. You can look like a girl while wearing a tux. No matter what she calls herself, I actually am thinking it might be a really good sign both for her and for society in general that she doesn't feel the need to go full-on stereotypical masculine. Maybe if enough kids mix it up like that, eventually it won't be so important for others to "transition" based on what they see as gendered traits.
" 'There is a real shortage of critical thinking in my generation,' she said, like a wise elder."
From the mouths of babes ... 😉🙂 But congrats and commendations for having weathered the storms and having turned out a more or less functional adult sailing on something of an even keel. 🙂
Though, sadly, a lack of critical thinking is hardly unique to her generation. For example, I think too many older folks are too quick to dismiss the concept of gender, at least as a rough synonym for sexually dimorphic personality traits, roles, and behaviors. Much of "gender non-conformance" may be just an "excess" of empathy for members of the other sex -- kind of admirable in itself even if there are some pathological manifestations. Sort of like Woody Allen's "Zelig" -- "The Chameleon Man".
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn: “let us refuse to say what we do not think!”
I will call anyone by their preferred name, their choice, but I will not lie and call a man, she, or a woman, he. Adopting superficial, stereotypical attributes of the opposite sex does not change one’s sex.
My God, how am I just finding you now!!? This was a brilliant essay. I identify with every single bit you wrote. Funny and so on point. So relatable. I laughed the whole way through instead of crying. I think its because I see a lot of hope. Hang in there with the critical thinking piece. I feel like there's really nothing you can do to directly influence them; they simply must come around to it themselves, BUT the consistent focus on reality and critical thinking, in small spurts and in your honest, authentic voice, will give her a path to get there. Until a few weeks (months?) ago, my daughter identified as a gay boy. She now says she's no longer trans and feels sorry for the kids and even young adults (such as her favorite teacher!) who are caugjt up in it. Looking back, I see it has been a somewhat gradual process, so who knows when she actually came to terms with it all. I think it was telling that your daughter opted to use her real name. God, I know that heart-seizing moment when you are floored by something like that but have to act 'cool'. Stay with this and remember to take care of yourself too.
Keep loving her and talking with her as you have been. We went through 2 years of this pretend nonsense with our daughter after she started watching idiots on Tik preaching gender ideology. Our daughter grew out of her desire to have an elective mastectomy and become a dude.
We’re all in uncharted territory with our kids. After I read Abi Shrier and Hannah Barnes’ books on the current trend, I realized we’re not alone in this battle.
She’s so close!!! If she can say her real name, she is so close to reidentifying with reality. This is huge!!!!
If she could hear you on Israel Hamas I think she’s way above her idiotic peer group. There’s reason for hope.
OK - this one made ME teary. Good work, Mrs. Miller - this life long lefty may not be entirely on board with abandoning my party (and work), but I read you loudly and clearly, and am completely behind sowing the seeds of critical thinking like this. It's vital, and remarkably absent in our polarized climate. I will continue to work from within. Bravo.
Oh my goodness, I love your style. Thanks for these laughs (thankful no one heard me). Our prom, a sparkly butler jacket and tails, last theater show tomorrow, graduation soon. Almost cried when she said her real name at Christmas to introduce herself to a new group of teens with brothers present ... never in a million years would I have guessed that this would be my (all of us, our) reality.
Great progress Mrs. M! I've heard other teenagers bemoaning the lack of "critical thinking skills" in their own generation. I have also heard them being worried themselves about how addictive and harmful social media can be. Their brains are not all the way developed, but at 16 or 17 they can certainly think about and see these inconsistencies and form beliefs about reality. It's part of self-definition, just like we all went through as teens and (actually) are still going through as adults. After all, gender ideology certainly is incoherent and harmful, but it is also a labyrinth of colorful and fun beliefs that are deeply appealing to try on, like a glitter tux or a prom dress. I figure the kids themselves will replace GI as it becomes uncool and passe. AND this happens because of conversations with adults or reading things adults have written, seeds planted as you did with the perfect analogy to the Gaza protests. They may not admit it, but that's how it changes. They still actually need adults to help guide them and deep inside they know it. Maybe they are making Tik Tok videos about the importance of critical thinking and social media addiction and these ideas are percolating at the fringes of the teen culture into normal. Can't happen soon enough!
I know you cannot share publicly but would love to see how the tux turns out!
Barring a few minor details, I could’ve written the same essay based on my experiences with my daughter in the past month - the tux for prom, the convos about Gaza and how everyone oversimplifies it, the whole name thing. And we were just in KoP (briefly) a few weeks ago! Who knows, we may have crossed paths. Doppelgängers passing in the night…
Coffee?
Next time I’m in PA?
Sure!
"The question remains as to whether Miss Miller was also relieved to be referred to as she/her—as her mother’s daughter—amongst sturdy neighborhood folks. Of course I don’t ask. "
I'm just an Internet nobody, but I read that and thought " oh, please please please don't ask. Don't mention. Let her land herself." And I felt my heart flutter when you asked if she could handle one more thing. And then you STILL didn't mention gender! Again, I'm no expert on dealing with these issues but my opinion is great job Mom.
Suppressing your own questions and anxieties and urgent wishes to know, because it's the right thing to do for your daughter, is what parenting is supposed to be. And planting seeds is so important. First off, the Gaza war is an important thing to talk about in it's own right. But more to the point, at her age, she should be taking in bits of information and perspectives around her and checking in with how they feel and then synthesizing her own views from that... Including views that seemingly have little to do with the tidbit at hand. It seems you are pretty clear on that. But I want to tell you that, from a limited outsider's view, I can already see it working. She doesn't need you to tell her what to think, nor will she likely accept it. But, when you give her space to decide for herself, and find ways to share your views while avoiding topics or specific conversations that would be hurtful for both of you and shut her down, she seems to be responding well.
She apparently has a good head on her shoulders, and she seems like she is very capable of doing the critical thinking on her own. So letting her do that is going to be so much more beneficial both for your relationship (which is a high predictor of her future success regardless of anything else), but also just for her personal development. Of course you definitely want to keep her from making any irreversible decisions, and it seems like she's probably not even close to that at this point anyway, but other than that, it appears that she is coming along in her own time, her own way. And while I am not diminishing the hurt this has caused to everyone in your family, ALL families have those kinds of painful conflicts over something or other as kids reach adulthood. But notwithstanding that, this may actually prove to be an experience that greatly benefits her long-term, because it will help her make key decisions about her identity and values while developing confidence. So, I'm cheering you on!
Oh and btw, I think she looks pretty nice in a tux. And I kind of love that she IS going in a tux, (presumably?) "identifying" as a boy, while otherwise presenting in a feminine way. My hope is that stuff like that might eventually become an example to younger kids that it's not necessary to adhere to strict gender norms, and to identify as whatever gender you want to look like. You can look like a girl while wearing a tux. No matter what she calls herself, I actually am thinking it might be a really good sign both for her and for society in general that she doesn't feel the need to go full-on stereotypical masculine. Maybe if enough kids mix it up like that, eventually it won't be so important for others to "transition" based on what they see as gendered traits.
Thanks for sharing real hope!!
" 'There is a real shortage of critical thinking in my generation,' she said, like a wise elder."
From the mouths of babes ... 😉🙂 But congrats and commendations for having weathered the storms and having turned out a more or less functional adult sailing on something of an even keel. 🙂
Though, sadly, a lack of critical thinking is hardly unique to her generation. For example, I think too many older folks are too quick to dismiss the concept of gender, at least as a rough synonym for sexually dimorphic personality traits, roles, and behaviors. Much of "gender non-conformance" may be just an "excess" of empathy for members of the other sex -- kind of admirable in itself even if there are some pathological manifestations. Sort of like Woody Allen's "Zelig" -- "The Chameleon Man".
I love LOVE the way you write
Thank you thank you so so much!!!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰
That was wonderful to read, I’m so pleased for you 😃 fingers crossed it continues onwards and upwards!!
Beautiful🥳
🎉🎉🎉🎉
Absolutely amazing. Happy for you that you had this time at the mountain top with her.
You're a great mom, never forget or doubt that.
God Bless you and your brood.
CTD
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn: “let us refuse to say what we do not think!”
I will call anyone by their preferred name, their choice, but I will not lie and call a man, she, or a woman, he. Adopting superficial, stereotypical attributes of the opposite sex does not change one’s sex.
Amen.
My God, how am I just finding you now!!? This was a brilliant essay. I identify with every single bit you wrote. Funny and so on point. So relatable. I laughed the whole way through instead of crying. I think its because I see a lot of hope. Hang in there with the critical thinking piece. I feel like there's really nothing you can do to directly influence them; they simply must come around to it themselves, BUT the consistent focus on reality and critical thinking, in small spurts and in your honest, authentic voice, will give her a path to get there. Until a few weeks (months?) ago, my daughter identified as a gay boy. She now says she's no longer trans and feels sorry for the kids and even young adults (such as her favorite teacher!) who are caugjt up in it. Looking back, I see it has been a somewhat gradual process, so who knows when she actually came to terms with it all. I think it was telling that your daughter opted to use her real name. God, I know that heart-seizing moment when you are floored by something like that but have to act 'cool'. Stay with this and remember to take care of yourself too.
Thanks so much SWHOH! Your own story gives me strength. Really appreciate your comment. We're in the same crazy boat for sure!
Keep loving her and talking with her as you have been. We went through 2 years of this pretend nonsense with our daughter after she started watching idiots on Tik preaching gender ideology. Our daughter grew out of her desire to have an elective mastectomy and become a dude.
So happy to hear that. And thank you for the encouragement!
We’re all in uncharted territory with our kids. After I read Abi Shrier and Hannah Barnes’ books on the current trend, I realized we’re not alone in this battle.