“I’ve worked in family therapy for thirty-five years. You can’t be criticizing her choices. It won’t feel safe for her.”
Wait, what?????
“Mom, I’m dropping out of high school.” “Mom, I’m getting a tattoo of a target on my forehead.” Etc.
Children’s brains are not fully developed, which means that they often make horrible choices because their brains are unable to parse the repercussions of those choices. Your job as a parent is not to echo the half-baked ideas of your progeny; it is to guide them (by any means necessary) down the path to be independent, responsible adults.
Any therapist truly worth their salt would have told you to criticize the f*ck out of your daughter‘s bad choices (and to guide her towards better ones). What do you get when you cross politics and science? You get politics, and we have allowed politics/ideology to take over every institution.
I thought EXACTLY the same thing when I read this line..."But you need to be a safe space where your daughter can come to you and talk about anything. You can’t be criticizing her choices. It won’t feel safe for her.”
That's is WHAT parents are for!! GEEZ!
Funny how she had no evidence that the unfortunate number of girls FEELING they want to be something else is so high. She probably never even thought about it before.
I guess I’m “lucky” because my therapist agrees my son is a boy, and at 55 I finally have a regular stylist who doesn’t make me brassy. 😂. But unfortunately my luck ends there. My son still insists that he’s a girl. Sadly, I understand exactly how you feel as a mother. When will the insanity end?
Years ago, I called this behavior "Stepford Wives" and John McWhorter coopted that analogy. How ironic that the concept of being "woke" is behaving like a robot without the capacity to think.
Timely article as I begin the search for a therapist after a dark bout with depression. As soon as I see they treat the alphabet mafia I know to move on to the next person.
Just a note that I would be honored to be your therapist! I am sometimes single handedly facing such incredible, obstinate and unthinking ignorance by other therapists about the plight of parents and I won't give up. There are many of us who are sane and committed to actually therapy principles I promise. I am so sorry you had to go thru that and the things you pointed out were spot on and amazing.
I second this. I knew 2 amazing therapists and 1 psychiatrist (calm down, I’m fine) and all were common sense practitioners: zero BS tolerated for 50 minutes so let’s get to work.
Sending all my good luck out to those who need a pro in their corner. And extra hugs to folks who feel alone.
I don’t have a child going through this, but my experience of “unwokening” alienated me from my community and impacted even my marriage. I just wanted to be able to talk freely with someone. I specifically looked for an older therapist with no rainbow stuff in her bio, and she STILL fired me after a few sessions, though nothing I said was crazy or hateful.
I think the therapists need therapy more than we do. I haven't found a good one in years. You're better off without her. If you decide to keep looking check out therapy first. I found a few through them. https://www.therapyfirst.org/find/
The therapists are NOT OK. Progressive ideology has so captured academia that no diversity of thought is tolerated. My friend endured such horrific persecution in her PhD program for daring to express an unorthodox viewpoint that she wrote a book about it. It was an eye-opening and quite disturbing read. I highly recommend it:
After being a mental health counselor for 35 years I decided to retire this year after my state required a DEI training before I could renew my license. I found this incredibly offensive, the assumption that my default attitude was one of bigotry, after years of seeing folks of all races, social classes and genders. The state legislators who passed this law are not requires to do it themselves. Screw this, I’ll be a life coach.
I find that both clients and friends and family are relieved when they discover that they can discuss their ambivalent feelings with me about a trans child. We often discuss the epidemic of depression in young girls and how this manifests. I do not take a stance.
I have had young clients go to doctors seeking surgery, and have had the doctors contact me to verify that the client “had no mental health issues.” When I responded that they were in therapy for depression, and that in my opinion more time should be given to therapy before major transitioning was implemented, I was told that that was a patriarchal attitude. (I m a female who has always considered herself a progressive.)
The counselor you contacted should have responded to you in the manner she recommended: “you need to be a safe space where can talk about your daughter or about anything. I won’t criticize your choices. It will feel safe for you.”
Funny story, a friend of mine urged me to go to her place but I didn't because I knew if I hated them too it might come between us. Luckily I found a great gal and it's all fixed. I'm a new woman.
Reminds me of the time I was trying to discuss the concept of trans identification with a friend and she said she had no doubt she was a woman because she had only ever been sexually attracted to men. This was years ago and I didn’t think quickly enough to ask if that meant that all gay men are actually women too.
This conflation of LGB and T (to say nothing of the rest of the letters) has to stop. Yes, I can understand why people are calling Trump’s EO “anti-trans.” But it is not “anti-LGBTQ+.” (On a similar note, I was once asked to complete a demographic survey where one of the questions was something like “Are you part of the LGBTQ community?” There was a separate question about gender identity, but not one about sexual orientation. WTF.)
I’m a psychologist. I’m sorry that happened to you and it wasn’t right. Our job should be agenda-less except for helping clients understand themselves better. Please don’t think all therapists or psychologists are like this. I don’t bring any of my beliefs, political or otherwise, into session because it intrudes on the work. I hope you were able to find someone to work with. I see parents of trans kids all the time. I just support them where they are.
Open Therapy Institute provides referrals and they focus on being patient centered and not imposing your values on your clients. I have worked with parents in your position. Licensed in multiple states. Please feel free to reach out.
I recently broke up with my hair stylist as well. Why is that so hard to do? Dammit!! I got tired of retouching the gray she missed or fixing the layers she cut too blunt. Whenever I’d mention that my last color was too red and that I needed to be a COOL blonde to blend the gray that she misses the solution was to offer a toner or low light for an exorbitant cost on TOP of the regular cost. $300/month on my hair is just stupid to me. (Umm, get the color CORRECT instead of charging me to fix it ) Fuck that. I’ve colored my hair off and on since I was 14. I even managed some pretty decent highlights during those fucking lockdowns. So here I am again, stylist-less and kinda cool with it.
“I’ve worked in family therapy for thirty-five years. You can’t be criticizing her choices. It won’t feel safe for her.”
Wait, what?????
“Mom, I’m dropping out of high school.” “Mom, I’m getting a tattoo of a target on my forehead.” Etc.
Children’s brains are not fully developed, which means that they often make horrible choices because their brains are unable to parse the repercussions of those choices. Your job as a parent is not to echo the half-baked ideas of your progeny; it is to guide them (by any means necessary) down the path to be independent, responsible adults.
Any therapist truly worth their salt would have told you to criticize the f*ck out of your daughter‘s bad choices (and to guide her towards better ones). What do you get when you cross politics and science? You get politics, and we have allowed politics/ideology to take over every institution.
I thought EXACTLY the same thing when I read this line..."But you need to be a safe space where your daughter can come to you and talk about anything. You can’t be criticizing her choices. It won’t feel safe for her.”
That's is WHAT parents are for!! GEEZ!
Funny how she had no evidence that the unfortunate number of girls FEELING they want to be something else is so high. She probably never even thought about it before.
Amen.
I guess I’m “lucky” because my therapist agrees my son is a boy, and at 55 I finally have a regular stylist who doesn’t make me brassy. 😂. But unfortunately my luck ends there. My son still insists that he’s a girl. Sadly, I understand exactly how you feel as a mother. When will the insanity end?
Years ago, I called this behavior "Stepford Wives" and John McWhorter coopted that analogy. How ironic that the concept of being "woke" is behaving like a robot without the capacity to think.
Getting riled up all over again reading this. Virtue-signaling a-holes are everywhere.
Word. I really do want to write that review.
Timely article as I begin the search for a therapist after a dark bout with depression. As soon as I see they treat the alphabet mafia I know to move on to the next person.
https://www.therapyfirst.org/find/
Thank you.
I have learned that if they are trained before 2010 you have a great chance of getting an actual therapist vs activist.
Just a note that I would be honored to be your therapist! I am sometimes single handedly facing such incredible, obstinate and unthinking ignorance by other therapists about the plight of parents and I won't give up. There are many of us who are sane and committed to actually therapy principles I promise. I am so sorry you had to go thru that and the things you pointed out were spot on and amazing.
I second this. I knew 2 amazing therapists and 1 psychiatrist (calm down, I’m fine) and all were common sense practitioners: zero BS tolerated for 50 minutes so let’s get to work.
Sending all my good luck out to those who need a pro in their corner. And extra hugs to folks who feel alone.
I don’t have a child going through this, but my experience of “unwokening” alienated me from my community and impacted even my marriage. I just wanted to be able to talk freely with someone. I specifically looked for an older therapist with no rainbow stuff in her bio, and she STILL fired me after a few sessions, though nothing I said was crazy or hateful.
I think the therapists need therapy more than we do. I haven't found a good one in years. You're better off without her. If you decide to keep looking check out therapy first. I found a few through them. https://www.therapyfirst.org/find/
I have to agree as a therapist! Education for counselors has become activist training.
I swear there are some sane ones out there.
The therapists are NOT OK. Progressive ideology has so captured academia that no diversity of thought is tolerated. My friend endured such horrific persecution in her PhD program for daring to express an unorthodox viewpoint that she wrote a book about it. It was an eye-opening and quite disturbing read. I highly recommend it:
https://a.co/d/ahAHkTV
Thanks for the rec!
You're welcome. I'd love to hear what you think about it
Bought it!
After being a mental health counselor for 35 years I decided to retire this year after my state required a DEI training before I could renew my license. I found this incredibly offensive, the assumption that my default attitude was one of bigotry, after years of seeing folks of all races, social classes and genders. The state legislators who passed this law are not requires to do it themselves. Screw this, I’ll be a life coach.
I find that both clients and friends and family are relieved when they discover that they can discuss their ambivalent feelings with me about a trans child. We often discuss the epidemic of depression in young girls and how this manifests. I do not take a stance.
I have had young clients go to doctors seeking surgery, and have had the doctors contact me to verify that the client “had no mental health issues.” When I responded that they were in therapy for depression, and that in my opinion more time should be given to therapy before major transitioning was implemented, I was told that that was a patriarchal attitude. (I m a female who has always considered herself a progressive.)
The counselor you contacted should have responded to you in the manner she recommended: “you need to be a safe space where can talk about your daughter or about anything. I won’t criticize your choices. It will feel safe for you.”
Here here! And here is also to becoming a life coach!
Always ask your friends with the best hair where they go.
Funny story, a friend of mine urged me to go to her place but I didn't because I knew if I hated them too it might come between us. Luckily I found a great gal and it's all fixed. I'm a new woman.
Reminds me of the time I was trying to discuss the concept of trans identification with a friend and she said she had no doubt she was a woman because she had only ever been sexually attracted to men. This was years ago and I didn’t think quickly enough to ask if that meant that all gay men are actually women too.
This conflation of LGB and T (to say nothing of the rest of the letters) has to stop. Yes, I can understand why people are calling Trump’s EO “anti-trans.” But it is not “anti-LGBTQ+.” (On a similar note, I was once asked to complete a demographic survey where one of the questions was something like “Are you part of the LGBTQ community?” There was a separate question about gender identity, but not one about sexual orientation. WTF.)
I’m a psychologist. I’m sorry that happened to you and it wasn’t right. Our job should be agenda-less except for helping clients understand themselves better. Please don’t think all therapists or psychologists are like this. I don’t bring any of my beliefs, political or otherwise, into session because it intrudes on the work. I hope you were able to find someone to work with. I see parents of trans kids all the time. I just support them where they are.
Lovely to hear thank you!
Open Therapy Institute provides referrals and they focus on being patient centered and not imposing your values on your clients. I have worked with parents in your position. Licensed in multiple states. Please feel free to reach out.
And www.simplytherapists.org is the only platform for free thinking therapists in the US! Find us by modality, insurance and state.
I recently broke up with my hair stylist as well. Why is that so hard to do? Dammit!! I got tired of retouching the gray she missed or fixing the layers she cut too blunt. Whenever I’d mention that my last color was too red and that I needed to be a COOL blonde to blend the gray that she misses the solution was to offer a toner or low light for an exorbitant cost on TOP of the regular cost. $300/month on my hair is just stupid to me. (Umm, get the color CORRECT instead of charging me to fix it ) Fuck that. I’ve colored my hair off and on since I was 14. I even managed some pretty decent highlights during those fucking lockdowns. So here I am again, stylist-less and kinda cool with it.
I’m so sorry for this experience. My blood boils with you.
Om shanti, dammit. Stealing this saying.