She has a headache again. Insomnia. Had that one drink too many. The one she promised herself to refrain from. But the tequila, the wine, the gin… they slow her thoughts so delectably. And even the insomnia warrants an afternoon nap the following day. It’s all part of her plan, her grand scheme to sleep until the storm passes. The one place of refuge—her bed—is also the location where she feels the deepest shame, for not being able to muster the same lust for life her friends seem to find.
She was already prone to anxiety, depression. Jordan Peterson would say she’s pretty well screwed, with her high neuroticism, her proclivity to ruminate on her own feelings, oh and an artistic temperament. She’s like a cat with a curved spine and a blind eye. She can only spin in circles, in one direction, half sightless, afraid, going nowhere, and wondering—why?
But—if her daughter emerged from her trance and declared her innate and glorious womanhood, or at the very least accepted that testosterone is not safe just because it is prescribed by a doctor, and assured her parents this would never be her path, maybe then this ailing mother would throw off the covers, step out of bed, blink into the sun with two seeing eyes and praise whatever higher power must reside in the sky. And for the first time in over a year, she would feel…alive.
💔
I hear you. This is me too. I want to run away and hide under the covers until this is over but that’s not possible so I just keep burying myself in a wine or gin bottle to numb the trauma away. It’s unbearable. Mine is off to get T prescribed as turned 18 yesterday. And I just discovered she can get a double mastectomy government funded here in NZ too, now that she’s 18. I had hoped there’d be a long waiting list but my GP says trans healthcare just got granted a few million and she’ll get an appointment for assessment in 2 weeks, for the hormones 🙄
Dopamine nation - instant gratification for the slightest discomfort.
Anyway, I love your very honest writing - thanks for sharing it - Arohanui in solidarity from NZ.
Very sad and beautifully written. Please take comfort and courage from the knowledge that you are not alone. Your daughter is caught in a net that has shared millions of others all over the world. And there's a legal, intellectual, and spiritual battle that millions more are fighting, including you. Every time you put out an essay you are launching a shot at the net, and it's starting to unravel. Every time you pray, too.