Oh my god, I so feel you on the name thing. I’ve had to listen as my daughter’s “chosen” name was announced at her high school graduation and I silently cried as it happened. I tried my best to make it a happy day but it was almost impossible. She’s now legally changed her name and “gender marker” and I hate that fact with my whole being. I also feel like there are only so many people who will listen to me talk about all of this depressing shit and only so many times I can ask someone to listen to me vent. Trying to get through the day pretending I’m not devastated inside is getting so old. I’m glad you vent here. Makes me feel not so alone. All the best wishes for you and your family. ❤️
Right there with you as well. Not really looking forward to graduation, where first I will hear the fictional name and perhaps some reference to my daughter being male if that should come up. Then she will, by text, let my husband, son and I know she will be staying for photos with her friends and their families, and we are to leave. She will see us at home. I will be shocked if it goes any other way. Like yours, my anger, sadness, fear and other negative emotions ebb and flow. I usually keep them in check, but I’m pretty sure that day will be a “flow” day for all of them.
Here’s wishing the WPATH and GIDS news and heroic efforts of some truly dedicated doctors and journalists somehow slows down and eventually blocks the path to medical harm for all of our daughters and sons. And that those who have already been harmed can get the help they need to move on and make their lives as whole as possible.
Or at least a gathering to show childhood photos of our kids to each other and say “my daughter/son, “real name,” just graduated high school, and we can all congratulate each other. ❤️
I would love to read your fiction. Maybe you can dm or email me as to where I can find it? Also, how about coming on my podcast, UnMuted, as our friend Hippiesq has done?
I suspect this comment will subject me to some measure of hate...I can take it🤭. It’s familiar territory, I’m a mother!
I have two offspring. I won’t call them children because I raised ADULTS, not children😂. My daughter is 35 and my son is 32. In our home, loving guidance with a strong dose of tough love was practiced daily. From a young age, they were taught that they were guests in our home and were expected to act that way. They helped out, kept their rooms relatively orderly, and generally respected OUR home. We made it clear that two months post-school...whether that was because they dropped out of high school or completed an advanced degree...they were expected to move out. They both did and the next day their childhood room was converted to a nice guest room.
During college, they worked and paid half their expenses after scholarships and my husband and I paid the other half. This commitment from us was under one condition...as long as they received help from us, they could never use the “I’m an adult” line to do something we disagreed with. No extra piercings, no tattoos, no silliness. If the silliness were terribly important to them they understood that they were free to indulge themselves and moving forward would expect to pay their full share. We were their “bosses” until they decided they were ready to be in charge (aka financially responsible). Basically we manipulated them...like every good parent should😂😂😂
For some reason, today this parenting philosophy seems cruel and inhumane. Coincidentally, at the same time a shift has occurred in the mental health of young people over the past several decades as parents began to think they should be friends to their children. They seem more and more adrift with a myriad of problems...substance abuse, gender issues, self-harm and many, many more. Today’s world is a confusing place for all of us to maneuver without question. I’m convinced that children need strong parenting to feel safe, now more than ever. They need someone to protect them, otherwise they feel and act vulnerable and open to predation. Don’t get me wrong, there are numerous influences young people face...the internet not the least of them...but parents must be strong, good examples of clear thinking, morality and wisdom.
We didn’t have the gender issue to deal with but we had plenty of other equally distressing situations. We certainly made mistakes, but we always admitted them and tried to do better. My daughter and son often thank me for keeping them from harm’s way even though they hated it at the time. I’m sure you’re thinking, “Yeah, I bet her kids hate her!” but you would be wrong. We have one of the closest families I know. We love each other and go out of our way to spend time together. This coming weekend we are all converging at my son and DIL’s home to celebrate the upcoming birth of our second grandchild. ❤️❤️❤️
Be a fearless parent. Decide what mountain you WILL die on and defend it.
I don't hate you. I wish i was you. you weren't cruel either. but i'm not going to call my kids guests in my home. that's not my style.
my hill to die on, and the only line i have the energy to hold is "you are not trans/you are not a gay man." that and medicalization.
this past two years has kicked my ass going it alone as my husband refused to get behind me on it because of his TDS. i didn't make it clear in this essay but i have previously, we call her by her real name and pronouns at home and she's fine with it. as stubborn as she is about the name, she is like my husband in not wanting interpersonal conflict.
money-wise, her school is paid for in large part from investments made by her grandparents, at least for the first year. her room is a disaster. like i said, she's stubborn AF and my husband hates making waves, so if i were to go pammyomammy on her, i'd be all alone and i don't have the constitution for it, maybe because of taoism or because i'm simply more flexible. she can do the name bullshit with her friends, but it's the schools that i hate the most for enabling it and they are not my hill.
where i am like you is i take accountability for my many mistakes. i own up. it's taught both my kids to be accountable.
congrats on your grandkids and the great work you've done. maybe i'll be able to say the same one day. she's a good kid, my daughter. just really stubborn and naive about this gender shitshow. her brother is doing well too. second year in college studying jazz. steady girlfriend. thoughtful and sensitive and just. but i don't much write about the things that go right here. i go for the conflict. the hero's journey. the uphill battle.
What I hate the most about the name change is the hypocrisy of it all. When my trans identified daughter and her allies were demanding her name change it was because it was the only way for her to be her “authentic self” and without the name change she would commit suicide. The name ment everything. But when I get sad and miss calling my daughter the name that I lovingly chose for her I’m told that it’s just not that big of a deal. It’s only a name after all, no one can understand why I’m so upset about it. I’m told I need to stop being so selfish and just get over it already. It’s been four years. I miss it every day.
That's so true. They demand the world at gunpoint and then call you crazy for having needs of your own. Just more proof that it's a demonic cult. I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing that.
A few years ago a teacher told me that in Colombia they call the teen years “La edad de caca”. One hopes and waits for the day that they will be out of the pooptastic years and settle into a not so defiant and self-destructive young adulthood, but with the TQ+ cult on at full blast in every institutional setting, my ROGD parent friends are coming to terms with having daughters with masculine voices, badly distributed body fat, and double mastectomies, in order to maintain their relationships. All of us wondering what the magic potion is, which backwards psychological trick can waken our trans induced teens. I say dip into all your savings to pay a Detransitioner to come into your home for dinner with your daughter’s friends. As a classroom high school teacher, there is nothing more powerful for teens than a guest speaker who has been in the real shit.
that is a fantasy i have had as well! who's for hire? I would do that. well, Mr. Miller—I would want him to be onboard. that's another fantasy. oy vey.
I REALLY appreciate your refusal to participate…we had a brief moment where my daughter thought her middle name was waaayyy cooler than her first name. We told her she could do whatever she wanted to with her friends, but we would continue to call her by the name we gave her. The whole thing fizzled out😂😂😂
The “guest” designation was to be really clear about the ground rules before they thought about saying things like “it’s MY room” (no it’s not) “you can’t invade my privacy!” (yes I can). We felt it established the appropriate hierarchy. Parents of the generation before me wouldn’t have questioned our position.
I am grateful beyond measure that my husband and I are on the same page…it makes all the difference.
I have admired your honesty and your compassion in your struggle with Miss M. I honestly don’t know how I would handle it. Knowing my parenting style, I suspect I would have been on thin ice in terms of possibly wrecking the relationship. Please don’t think I was passing judgement…I probably should have said that in my first comment. While I owned that my style is a bit tough, I did NOT adequately give honor to your very real struggle.
Graduation. We live in an area of the US that will only use legal names on diplomas/on stage and I get to give her the diploma in front of a class of 500 because I teach in her district. Yay for me.
Theater. She too put in the playbill "he" pronouns and we are looking at the last play in May.
Prom. "No" to a tux. "Maybe to a sparkly jacket" because I can't have her mimicking the boys, she's not a boy.
She just turned 18 and we are 4 years in this mess. Sad face for me. Long game for sure. She sees a non-affirming psychologist and has since middle school, before this mess began, for anxiety/depression. No SSRI's thank goodness. Then ADHD diagnosis at 15 and last fall Autism. Depression/anxiety gone thanks to Concerta and because she understands why the social anxiety is there.
Those college letters with the male name are no-joke-gut-punch every time. I hate that name so at school we compromised on a letter.
I belong to a group of ROGD parents (drive 45 mins away for meetings) that has significantly improved my mental health. We keep reminding ourselves we live in a very sick society and we are some of the last people holding out for truth. I want to fight but I don''t know how because I don't want to damage our relationship.
I am with you. Every time I see that name I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. It doesn’t really get easier. But I know the harder I fight it the more she’ll dig in so I do ridiculous grammatical contortions to avoid calling her by any name or pronouns in front of her. I won’t lie but it’s counterproductive to antagonize her so I just avoid it. And I wait, and hope she will come to her senses, and try to avoid anything related to medicalization.
Just some hope here….the chances of her continuing this nonsense forever is very slim. Provided she doesn’t use drugs or surgery to mutilate herself. Almost all kids grow out of almost all things. Detransing will become more out there. This is a fad. The stuff I went through with two of my three kids would curl your hair. They are mostly good now, at 48 and 45. Their not good is their own personality foibles. About which I can do nothing. And I don’t need to. My youngest at 37 is more than fine. Life knocks a lot of stuff out of people. You don’t need to fight everything. But calling her by her girl name is essential. Don’t give that up.
My take on the issue generally, which may or may not be appropriate to this sad situation and I hope it’s not offensive to suffering parents:
To whom you are attracted sexually is purely subjective and therefore cannot reasonably be contested by an outside observer.
Where you decide to live your life on a spectrum of superficial, stereotypical male to female attributes (and we all do) is also purely subjective and similarly cannot be questioned.
However, your biological sex reflects an objective reality which cannot be changed by your subjective personal view and futile attempts to do so can result in serious health impacts to you as well as actual harms to members of the sex you are impersonating (especially women).
Finally, others who are grounded in objective reality should never be forced to accept your subjective version of your actual biological sex.
I'd say innate on the sexual attraction point, rather than subjective, but the result is the same. And for the record I'd be totally fine with a lesbian daughter--which she identified as in 8th grade, after pansexual (6th grade) and before transmasc (10th grade) ... in essence, amen to your comment. Much appreciated.
May I ask a question of the author or any parent in a similar situation with similar feelings? I am curious, if your child was not trans identified but changed their name to something else, would it be this upsetting to you?
I ask because I know several people who no longer use their birth names, and none are trans. In fact, my own sister, who is straight and has never had any gender issues, has entirely stopped using her birth name in favor of a random nickname she got in high school that is normally a verb, not a name. She used it in her wedding vows, as well as the invitations and all the wedding stuff that proclaims "Susie and Joe" with a big heart or whatever. And my parents were not pleased about her using it in that setting, but otherwise haven't really given it much concern. (And our parents are not generally the type to let things go. They're quite reactionary and critical, and quick to anger, and controlling. So that's no small thing.) My parents do continue to call her by her birth name, and she doesn't correct them or her upset but she does use it and introduces herself as "nickname" when with them.
So, seeing that unfold got me thinking about this name thing with trans kids. Because I'm wondering if it's the fact that she's not using her birth name that you chose that bothers you, or if it's just the fact that the new name reminds you of all the trans ick? Not that my opinion matters, but I do think you're correct in not pushing it with her to avoid escalating her further.
But I also do wonder whether it's really a "fake name" as you say? Obviously you know her far better than I, but it seems to me that even a very misguided, mentally ill teen often takes significant time and puts a lot of thought into their chosen name, whether it's a trans name or just a nickname. It's part of the adolescent process of forming their identity. So, whether she's right or wrong, in her mind, I would imagine this name reflects who she thinks she is at this point in her life. And that will almost certainly change as she gets older, but this is part of her trying on different identities, and it certainly is far better for her long term health than many other "transition" steps she could take.
For the record, I think your daughter's reply was mature and respectful for someone her age. She wasn't unkind, but she is practicing drawing boundaries, and I think in that text she did so with maturity and grace. She clearly communicated what she will and won't do, and she offered an attempt at a compromise. Which is pretty impressive for a teen these days! I am not here to doubt your pain at all, and I absolutely respect your finding a place to vent that doesnt involve unloading your emotions on your child impulsively. That said, ultimately her name is what people call her every day. It's often their first impression of her. It does affect her more than it affects you at the end of the day. So I guess that's the other reason that I'm wondering, is it really the name change itself that stirs up so much emotion, or is it the reminder of the whole ordeal?
the name my daughter chose was not chosen with care from what i know of her explanation. inadvertently she chose a name that belonged to my niece—my older brother's daughter. My older brother molested me when I was about four and he was twelve. His daughter, years later, died of a drug overdose at seven months pregnant. so this name my daughter chose is about the last name I'd have chosen. She didn't know it at the time, but after it was sort of sealed as the name everyone at school knew her as, it was too late to change it. aside from my personal history with the name, her high school changed it along with her pronouns behind my back. so that does stoke my ire even more. as a mother to this child it left me feeling cast aside. discarded. so to answer your question, it's both the name itself and what it represents, which is a wedge driven between the state and the family, between reality and insanity, between good and evil. my daughter, in all her innocence, has sided with the devil. and i am not a religious woman, so it takes a lot for me to say something like that. do you have children, Jen?
Wow, I was not aware of the family history behind the name. No wonder it is so difficult to hear.
My child is still working to master basic, one-syllable words, so I have years before I'm feeling with teens of my own. He was also adopted from the child welfare system, so his name was not my choice, nor is it one I would have chosen. We could have changed it when he was legally adopted, of course, but that seemed unfair for a kid who was just learning about language and had learned his name relatively recently, not to mention that before we had legal rights to do things like that he lived with us as a foster to adopt for over a year, so not only had others called him by his name but WE i had done so as well. So it seemed like it would have been pretty confusing for him if we up and changed h what we called him after all that time. (Similarly, we didn't call him a name we chose when he first came to us because not only could we not change his legal name at that point, but until the adoption was finalized we weren't certain it would be, and so we didn't want to teach him a name other than the one that would follow him had he left us.)
So, again, my question actually was mostly sparked by watching my sister change her name for non-gender reasons and watching the relatively minimal effect it had on our parents, even though they frequently complain about being pushed out of our lives and such (if you're wondering, they have been to an extent, because they were abusive by any definition of the word, and have not changed and have in fact continued to blame us-the whole "why do you make me hit you" thing; and no I'm absolutely not in any way suggesting you are like that). But, now that I've answered your question about my child and added some detail about his name, I guess maybe him coming with his name might influence my perspective here too? Regardless, I'm not sure how I would feel if my son had come with a name that has the kind of meaning this particular name has to you because of your family history. I am so sorry that your daughter stumbled-apparently inadvertantly-on such a difficult name for you, and I imagine it would have felt very personal to have her continue using it after you explained the history.
I see name changes as part of the identity formation outside of trans, certainly. However, this is a very particular name to have chosen. Is Miss Miller choosing it out of a sense of injustice for a relative who had a hard life, did she choose it to acknowledge the sad death of a cousin and “rebirth” her, did she choose it to drive her mother (you) crazy? All of these things can be true. I wonder if she would love to know more about how sad you felt for the young woman who died, whom you worried about and felt that she too may have been molested or abused by the same man. Perhaps describing a kinship for the woman would make your daughter pause to think about her mother in a different light. I am a big believer in turning these conversations sideways and reframing them in unexpected ways for our young trans enthusiasts.
Firstly,my battle with the thought of telling your daughter about the I'll fated name choice, is that as a teenager, she may, I her poorly formed adolescent brain, assume that you will affirm a different boys name and sadly be deluded into thinking you will might accept all the trans stuff if she changes her name HOWEVER... I personally assume that the deepest pain is NOT the choice of name but the fact that when you see your DAUGHTER, you see the little girl that you lovingly named, that you have watched grow up, that you once cuddled and read to in bed, that you perhaps plaited HER hair and proudly called her name in a playground and doted on as you dared to imagine what she would be like as she grew up... Only to have her ripped from your arms by an evil Marxist ideology that has stolen her memories, her beautiful life and has set her on a path of self hatred and destruction... whatever name she chose, would have the same emd result... sadly exasperated by the history of this particular name 💔
Lastly, you are an amazing writer and you should be published....
Thanks so much Al, and I think you nailed it. I hate the whole evil Marxist ideology. And I hate bullshit and not being able to respect my own kid as much as I used to because she believes in nonsense. My particular history with the name gives me the ability to not use it at home and she no longer fights me on pronouns. You'd never know she identified on the flag at home. Unless you knew her friends who all have dumb made up names and wrong pronouns. Anyway thanks for clarifying my fury. It takes a village sometimes lol 💜
It sounds as though Miss Miller wasn't aware of that part of the family, or at least not the woman's name, until after she had already chosen the name and begin using it publicly? But I, too, would certainly hope that the knowledge did/would give her more perspective on why her mother objects to that name, and why she finds it hurtful.
Just to clarify, when I say that the name change is part of her working out her identity, what I mean is that the few trans identifying young people I've met have chosen their new names carefully. None just picked the one that sounded the most masculine or feminine to them. They picked names of the other gender, yes, but also that they felt represented their whole person. Of course I wouldn't pretend to know if that's the situation for the author's daughter or anyone's child, that's just what I've observed in others. And, I do wonder if experiments like this, which don't cause any medical harm, might ultimately help these young adults sort out who they really are and what makes them happiest and healthiest. And that would include helping them make the decision to stop identifying as trans, if that is in their future. If they can't "try on" trans to come extent, it might just remain the forbidden fruit that looks incredible. Sometimes the only way people learn, ESPECIALLY young adults, is by trying things themselves and realizing that yes, all those people who cautioned them really did know something.
my daughter's real name is gender neutral, and in changing her name she chose another gender neutral name. the name represents her individuation from her parents but also it represents a spot on the flag for her. otherwise I doubt she would have done this. if she continues to not choose medicalization it's really all she has to show the world she's not a straight woman. and though it doesn't cause medical harm, it has caused scores of emotional harm in our family. i understand the concept of allowing just enough so that it's not so forbidden we inadvertently push her deeper. that is the long game I describe. I've been living it for two years. the last thing she wants is to know that mom knew all along. so i try really hard to keep my damn mouth shut but sometimes i wipe out. the thing is, ROGD moms know their kids aren't trans. that's the whole thing. we're watching impotently as our kids careen toward a dead end, pointlessly, swept up in a craze enabled by so many big industries.
100%..... I know 100% my 19yr old ROGD son isn't trans, or better yet, a woman🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
So either careeling through this dead end nightmare amd i am scarred for life and family ripped to shreds for no reason, OR he will continue down the road of transition and things will escalate and he will find it too hard to get off this road and end up medically destroyed STILL all for no reason.....
Oh my god, I so feel you on the name thing. I’ve had to listen as my daughter’s “chosen” name was announced at her high school graduation and I silently cried as it happened. I tried my best to make it a happy day but it was almost impossible. She’s now legally changed her name and “gender marker” and I hate that fact with my whole being. I also feel like there are only so many people who will listen to me talk about all of this depressing shit and only so many times I can ask someone to listen to me vent. Trying to get through the day pretending I’m not devastated inside is getting so old. I’m glad you vent here. Makes me feel not so alone. All the best wishes for you and your family. ❤️
Thank you Merrie! It's so meaningful to know we're not alone in this. Really appreciate your comment. And hope and pray our daughters desist. 🙏🏼
We all hope and pray they do. Vent away mesdames….you will never find more supporting people anywhere. So sorry you are both going through this.
Right there with you as well. Not really looking forward to graduation, where first I will hear the fictional name and perhaps some reference to my daughter being male if that should come up. Then she will, by text, let my husband, son and I know she will be staying for photos with her friends and their families, and we are to leave. She will see us at home. I will be shocked if it goes any other way. Like yours, my anger, sadness, fear and other negative emotions ebb and flow. I usually keep them in check, but I’m pretty sure that day will be a “flow” day for all of them.
Here’s wishing the WPATH and GIDS news and heroic efforts of some truly dedicated doctors and journalists somehow slows down and eventually blocks the path to medical harm for all of our daughters and sons. And that those who have already been harmed can get the help they need to move on and make their lives as whole as possible.
wishing that too with you, Hsq, thank you. if i still drank i'd say we should have a zoom happy hour right around graduation for all of us.
Or at least a gathering to show childhood photos of our kids to each other and say “my daughter/son, “real name,” just graduated high school, and we can all congratulate each other. ❤️
that's actually a great idea.
You could walk up to the Gender Club sponsor and punch her in the nose!
Okay, I'm just kidding, but we can dream.
😁
this is why i also write fiction, lol.
I would love to read your fiction. Maybe you can dm or email me as to where I can find it? Also, how about coming on my podcast, UnMuted, as our friend Hippiesq has done?
Yes to the podcast. Sending you links! Thanks Jenny!
I suspect this comment will subject me to some measure of hate...I can take it🤭. It’s familiar territory, I’m a mother!
I have two offspring. I won’t call them children because I raised ADULTS, not children😂. My daughter is 35 and my son is 32. In our home, loving guidance with a strong dose of tough love was practiced daily. From a young age, they were taught that they were guests in our home and were expected to act that way. They helped out, kept their rooms relatively orderly, and generally respected OUR home. We made it clear that two months post-school...whether that was because they dropped out of high school or completed an advanced degree...they were expected to move out. They both did and the next day their childhood room was converted to a nice guest room.
During college, they worked and paid half their expenses after scholarships and my husband and I paid the other half. This commitment from us was under one condition...as long as they received help from us, they could never use the “I’m an adult” line to do something we disagreed with. No extra piercings, no tattoos, no silliness. If the silliness were terribly important to them they understood that they were free to indulge themselves and moving forward would expect to pay their full share. We were their “bosses” until they decided they were ready to be in charge (aka financially responsible). Basically we manipulated them...like every good parent should😂😂😂
For some reason, today this parenting philosophy seems cruel and inhumane. Coincidentally, at the same time a shift has occurred in the mental health of young people over the past several decades as parents began to think they should be friends to their children. They seem more and more adrift with a myriad of problems...substance abuse, gender issues, self-harm and many, many more. Today’s world is a confusing place for all of us to maneuver without question. I’m convinced that children need strong parenting to feel safe, now more than ever. They need someone to protect them, otherwise they feel and act vulnerable and open to predation. Don’t get me wrong, there are numerous influences young people face...the internet not the least of them...but parents must be strong, good examples of clear thinking, morality and wisdom.
We didn’t have the gender issue to deal with but we had plenty of other equally distressing situations. We certainly made mistakes, but we always admitted them and tried to do better. My daughter and son often thank me for keeping them from harm’s way even though they hated it at the time. I’m sure you’re thinking, “Yeah, I bet her kids hate her!” but you would be wrong. We have one of the closest families I know. We love each other and go out of our way to spend time together. This coming weekend we are all converging at my son and DIL’s home to celebrate the upcoming birth of our second grandchild. ❤️❤️❤️
Be a fearless parent. Decide what mountain you WILL die on and defend it.
May God bless you in the process.
I don't hate you. I wish i was you. you weren't cruel either. but i'm not going to call my kids guests in my home. that's not my style.
my hill to die on, and the only line i have the energy to hold is "you are not trans/you are not a gay man." that and medicalization.
this past two years has kicked my ass going it alone as my husband refused to get behind me on it because of his TDS. i didn't make it clear in this essay but i have previously, we call her by her real name and pronouns at home and she's fine with it. as stubborn as she is about the name, she is like my husband in not wanting interpersonal conflict.
money-wise, her school is paid for in large part from investments made by her grandparents, at least for the first year. her room is a disaster. like i said, she's stubborn AF and my husband hates making waves, so if i were to go pammyomammy on her, i'd be all alone and i don't have the constitution for it, maybe because of taoism or because i'm simply more flexible. she can do the name bullshit with her friends, but it's the schools that i hate the most for enabling it and they are not my hill.
where i am like you is i take accountability for my many mistakes. i own up. it's taught both my kids to be accountable.
congrats on your grandkids and the great work you've done. maybe i'll be able to say the same one day. she's a good kid, my daughter. just really stubborn and naive about this gender shitshow. her brother is doing well too. second year in college studying jazz. steady girlfriend. thoughtful and sensitive and just. but i don't much write about the things that go right here. i go for the conflict. the hero's journey. the uphill battle.
What I hate the most about the name change is the hypocrisy of it all. When my trans identified daughter and her allies were demanding her name change it was because it was the only way for her to be her “authentic self” and without the name change she would commit suicide. The name ment everything. But when I get sad and miss calling my daughter the name that I lovingly chose for her I’m told that it’s just not that big of a deal. It’s only a name after all, no one can understand why I’m so upset about it. I’m told I need to stop being so selfish and just get over it already. It’s been four years. I miss it every day.
That's so true. They demand the world at gunpoint and then call you crazy for having needs of your own. Just more proof that it's a demonic cult. I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing that.
A few years ago a teacher told me that in Colombia they call the teen years “La edad de caca”. One hopes and waits for the day that they will be out of the pooptastic years and settle into a not so defiant and self-destructive young adulthood, but with the TQ+ cult on at full blast in every institutional setting, my ROGD parent friends are coming to terms with having daughters with masculine voices, badly distributed body fat, and double mastectomies, in order to maintain their relationships. All of us wondering what the magic potion is, which backwards psychological trick can waken our trans induced teens. I say dip into all your savings to pay a Detransitioner to come into your home for dinner with your daughter’s friends. As a classroom high school teacher, there is nothing more powerful for teens than a guest speaker who has been in the real shit.
that is a fantasy i have had as well! who's for hire? I would do that. well, Mr. Miller—I would want him to be onboard. that's another fantasy. oy vey.
I wonder!
I REALLY appreciate your refusal to participate…we had a brief moment where my daughter thought her middle name was waaayyy cooler than her first name. We told her she could do whatever she wanted to with her friends, but we would continue to call her by the name we gave her. The whole thing fizzled out😂😂😂
The “guest” designation was to be really clear about the ground rules before they thought about saying things like “it’s MY room” (no it’s not) “you can’t invade my privacy!” (yes I can). We felt it established the appropriate hierarchy. Parents of the generation before me wouldn’t have questioned our position.
I am grateful beyond measure that my husband and I are on the same page…it makes all the difference.
I have admired your honesty and your compassion in your struggle with Miss M. I honestly don’t know how I would handle it. Knowing my parenting style, I suspect I would have been on thin ice in terms of possibly wrecking the relationship. Please don’t think I was passing judgement…I probably should have said that in my first comment. While I owned that my style is a bit tough, I did NOT adequately give honor to your very real struggle.
I appreciate you. 💜
Wear the shirt. Under another shirt, but it's there, you know it's there.
So tempting. I can always get her name tattooed on me!
I hear you. Thanks for this. We are not alone.
Graduation. We live in an area of the US that will only use legal names on diplomas/on stage and I get to give her the diploma in front of a class of 500 because I teach in her district. Yay for me.
Theater. She too put in the playbill "he" pronouns and we are looking at the last play in May.
Prom. "No" to a tux. "Maybe to a sparkly jacket" because I can't have her mimicking the boys, she's not a boy.
She just turned 18 and we are 4 years in this mess. Sad face for me. Long game for sure. She sees a non-affirming psychologist and has since middle school, before this mess began, for anxiety/depression. No SSRI's thank goodness. Then ADHD diagnosis at 15 and last fall Autism. Depression/anxiety gone thanks to Concerta and because she understands why the social anxiety is there.
Those college letters with the male name are no-joke-gut-punch every time. I hate that name so at school we compromised on a letter.
I belong to a group of ROGD parents (drive 45 mins away for meetings) that has significantly improved my mental health. We keep reminding ourselves we live in a very sick society and we are some of the last people holding out for truth. I want to fight but I don''t know how because I don't want to damage our relationship.
Evil sticky cult of wrongthink.
I am with you. Every time I see that name I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. It doesn’t really get easier. But I know the harder I fight it the more she’ll dig in so I do ridiculous grammatical contortions to avoid calling her by any name or pronouns in front of her. I won’t lie but it’s counterproductive to antagonize her so I just avoid it. And I wait, and hope she will come to her senses, and try to avoid anything related to medicalization.
Just some hope here….the chances of her continuing this nonsense forever is very slim. Provided she doesn’t use drugs or surgery to mutilate herself. Almost all kids grow out of almost all things. Detransing will become more out there. This is a fad. The stuff I went through with two of my three kids would curl your hair. They are mostly good now, at 48 and 45. Their not good is their own personality foibles. About which I can do nothing. And I don’t need to. My youngest at 37 is more than fine. Life knocks a lot of stuff out of people. You don’t need to fight everything. But calling her by her girl name is essential. Don’t give that up.
Thank you that is very encouraging 🩶
My take on the issue generally, which may or may not be appropriate to this sad situation and I hope it’s not offensive to suffering parents:
To whom you are attracted sexually is purely subjective and therefore cannot reasonably be contested by an outside observer.
Where you decide to live your life on a spectrum of superficial, stereotypical male to female attributes (and we all do) is also purely subjective and similarly cannot be questioned.
However, your biological sex reflects an objective reality which cannot be changed by your subjective personal view and futile attempts to do so can result in serious health impacts to you as well as actual harms to members of the sex you are impersonating (especially women).
Finally, others who are grounded in objective reality should never be forced to accept your subjective version of your actual biological sex.
I'd say innate on the sexual attraction point, rather than subjective, but the result is the same. And for the record I'd be totally fine with a lesbian daughter--which she identified as in 8th grade, after pansexual (6th grade) and before transmasc (10th grade) ... in essence, amen to your comment. Much appreciated.
Thank you, just thank you, for understanding, but I'm also so sorry that you do.
May I ask a question of the author or any parent in a similar situation with similar feelings? I am curious, if your child was not trans identified but changed their name to something else, would it be this upsetting to you?
I ask because I know several people who no longer use their birth names, and none are trans. In fact, my own sister, who is straight and has never had any gender issues, has entirely stopped using her birth name in favor of a random nickname she got in high school that is normally a verb, not a name. She used it in her wedding vows, as well as the invitations and all the wedding stuff that proclaims "Susie and Joe" with a big heart or whatever. And my parents were not pleased about her using it in that setting, but otherwise haven't really given it much concern. (And our parents are not generally the type to let things go. They're quite reactionary and critical, and quick to anger, and controlling. So that's no small thing.) My parents do continue to call her by her birth name, and she doesn't correct them or her upset but she does use it and introduces herself as "nickname" when with them.
So, seeing that unfold got me thinking about this name thing with trans kids. Because I'm wondering if it's the fact that she's not using her birth name that you chose that bothers you, or if it's just the fact that the new name reminds you of all the trans ick? Not that my opinion matters, but I do think you're correct in not pushing it with her to avoid escalating her further.
But I also do wonder whether it's really a "fake name" as you say? Obviously you know her far better than I, but it seems to me that even a very misguided, mentally ill teen often takes significant time and puts a lot of thought into their chosen name, whether it's a trans name or just a nickname. It's part of the adolescent process of forming their identity. So, whether she's right or wrong, in her mind, I would imagine this name reflects who she thinks she is at this point in her life. And that will almost certainly change as she gets older, but this is part of her trying on different identities, and it certainly is far better for her long term health than many other "transition" steps she could take.
For the record, I think your daughter's reply was mature and respectful for someone her age. She wasn't unkind, but she is practicing drawing boundaries, and I think in that text she did so with maturity and grace. She clearly communicated what she will and won't do, and she offered an attempt at a compromise. Which is pretty impressive for a teen these days! I am not here to doubt your pain at all, and I absolutely respect your finding a place to vent that doesnt involve unloading your emotions on your child impulsively. That said, ultimately her name is what people call her every day. It's often their first impression of her. It does affect her more than it affects you at the end of the day. So I guess that's the other reason that I'm wondering, is it really the name change itself that stirs up so much emotion, or is it the reminder of the whole ordeal?
the name my daughter chose was not chosen with care from what i know of her explanation. inadvertently she chose a name that belonged to my niece—my older brother's daughter. My older brother molested me when I was about four and he was twelve. His daughter, years later, died of a drug overdose at seven months pregnant. so this name my daughter chose is about the last name I'd have chosen. She didn't know it at the time, but after it was sort of sealed as the name everyone at school knew her as, it was too late to change it. aside from my personal history with the name, her high school changed it along with her pronouns behind my back. so that does stoke my ire even more. as a mother to this child it left me feeling cast aside. discarded. so to answer your question, it's both the name itself and what it represents, which is a wedge driven between the state and the family, between reality and insanity, between good and evil. my daughter, in all her innocence, has sided with the devil. and i am not a religious woman, so it takes a lot for me to say something like that. do you have children, Jen?
Wow, I was not aware of the family history behind the name. No wonder it is so difficult to hear.
My child is still working to master basic, one-syllable words, so I have years before I'm feeling with teens of my own. He was also adopted from the child welfare system, so his name was not my choice, nor is it one I would have chosen. We could have changed it when he was legally adopted, of course, but that seemed unfair for a kid who was just learning about language and had learned his name relatively recently, not to mention that before we had legal rights to do things like that he lived with us as a foster to adopt for over a year, so not only had others called him by his name but WE i had done so as well. So it seemed like it would have been pretty confusing for him if we up and changed h what we called him after all that time. (Similarly, we didn't call him a name we chose when he first came to us because not only could we not change his legal name at that point, but until the adoption was finalized we weren't certain it would be, and so we didn't want to teach him a name other than the one that would follow him had he left us.)
So, again, my question actually was mostly sparked by watching my sister change her name for non-gender reasons and watching the relatively minimal effect it had on our parents, even though they frequently complain about being pushed out of our lives and such (if you're wondering, they have been to an extent, because they were abusive by any definition of the word, and have not changed and have in fact continued to blame us-the whole "why do you make me hit you" thing; and no I'm absolutely not in any way suggesting you are like that). But, now that I've answered your question about my child and added some detail about his name, I guess maybe him coming with his name might influence my perspective here too? Regardless, I'm not sure how I would feel if my son had come with a name that has the kind of meaning this particular name has to you because of your family history. I am so sorry that your daughter stumbled-apparently inadvertantly-on such a difficult name for you, and I imagine it would have felt very personal to have her continue using it after you explained the history.
I see name changes as part of the identity formation outside of trans, certainly. However, this is a very particular name to have chosen. Is Miss Miller choosing it out of a sense of injustice for a relative who had a hard life, did she choose it to acknowledge the sad death of a cousin and “rebirth” her, did she choose it to drive her mother (you) crazy? All of these things can be true. I wonder if she would love to know more about how sad you felt for the young woman who died, whom you worried about and felt that she too may have been molested or abused by the same man. Perhaps describing a kinship for the woman would make your daughter pause to think about her mother in a different light. I am a big believer in turning these conversations sideways and reframing them in unexpected ways for our young trans enthusiasts.
Firstly,my battle with the thought of telling your daughter about the I'll fated name choice, is that as a teenager, she may, I her poorly formed adolescent brain, assume that you will affirm a different boys name and sadly be deluded into thinking you will might accept all the trans stuff if she changes her name HOWEVER... I personally assume that the deepest pain is NOT the choice of name but the fact that when you see your DAUGHTER, you see the little girl that you lovingly named, that you have watched grow up, that you once cuddled and read to in bed, that you perhaps plaited HER hair and proudly called her name in a playground and doted on as you dared to imagine what she would be like as she grew up... Only to have her ripped from your arms by an evil Marxist ideology that has stolen her memories, her beautiful life and has set her on a path of self hatred and destruction... whatever name she chose, would have the same emd result... sadly exasperated by the history of this particular name 💔
Lastly, you are an amazing writer and you should be published....
Thanks so much Al, and I think you nailed it. I hate the whole evil Marxist ideology. And I hate bullshit and not being able to respect my own kid as much as I used to because she believes in nonsense. My particular history with the name gives me the ability to not use it at home and she no longer fights me on pronouns. You'd never know she identified on the flag at home. Unless you knew her friends who all have dumb made up names and wrong pronouns. Anyway thanks for clarifying my fury. It takes a village sometimes lol 💜
❤❤❤
Aaargh just saw all my typos, wish there was an edit option here 🤔
there is. It‘s called „s l o w. d o w n. .“ 😉
(I do it all the time too, just giving ya grief.)
It sounds as though Miss Miller wasn't aware of that part of the family, or at least not the woman's name, until after she had already chosen the name and begin using it publicly? But I, too, would certainly hope that the knowledge did/would give her more perspective on why her mother objects to that name, and why she finds it hurtful.
Just to clarify, when I say that the name change is part of her working out her identity, what I mean is that the few trans identifying young people I've met have chosen their new names carefully. None just picked the one that sounded the most masculine or feminine to them. They picked names of the other gender, yes, but also that they felt represented their whole person. Of course I wouldn't pretend to know if that's the situation for the author's daughter or anyone's child, that's just what I've observed in others. And, I do wonder if experiments like this, which don't cause any medical harm, might ultimately help these young adults sort out who they really are and what makes them happiest and healthiest. And that would include helping them make the decision to stop identifying as trans, if that is in their future. If they can't "try on" trans to come extent, it might just remain the forbidden fruit that looks incredible. Sometimes the only way people learn, ESPECIALLY young adults, is by trying things themselves and realizing that yes, all those people who cautioned them really did know something.
my daughter's real name is gender neutral, and in changing her name she chose another gender neutral name. the name represents her individuation from her parents but also it represents a spot on the flag for her. otherwise I doubt she would have done this. if she continues to not choose medicalization it's really all she has to show the world she's not a straight woman. and though it doesn't cause medical harm, it has caused scores of emotional harm in our family. i understand the concept of allowing just enough so that it's not so forbidden we inadvertently push her deeper. that is the long game I describe. I've been living it for two years. the last thing she wants is to know that mom knew all along. so i try really hard to keep my damn mouth shut but sometimes i wipe out. the thing is, ROGD moms know their kids aren't trans. that's the whole thing. we're watching impotently as our kids careen toward a dead end, pointlessly, swept up in a craze enabled by so many big industries.
Word. There’s no one right or wrong way to parent a child through this mess. ❤️
100%..... I know 100% my 19yr old ROGD son isn't trans, or better yet, a woman🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
So either careeling through this dead end nightmare amd i am scarred for life and family ripped to shreds for no reason, OR he will continue down the road of transition and things will escalate and he will find it too hard to get off this road and end up medically destroyed STILL all for no reason.....
I fucken hate it