I am not immune to being an asshole. So let’s get that out of the way from the jump.
I fantasize that this will be my new book title, #WhatAssholesDo, borne of my kids’ penchant for things like treating the entire dining table as their personal landing strip, or using the last tissue and then leaving the gaping box on the coffee table. Gifting generous sinks filled with dirty dishes. Basic housemate offenses. But then I know that I’m an asshole too because obviously I did something wrong in my parenting.
But I’m not here to chastise myself. I’ve done plenty of that over the decades, so much so that I’ve concluded my family would be better off without me. Now though, at least in this moment because I don’t want to jinx it, I’m okay. And guilt compounded into shame does nothing to improve anyone’s lives.
Anger though, anger is active. And funnily enough, especially for women and liberal dudes, anger is viewed as an emotion only the unenlightened possess and exhibit.
Why are you so angry? is a cliche of manipulative tactics.
Which brings me to…
I fired another client the other day. In one of my other lives I run a tiny personal training business where I train women in powerlifting and hardstyle kettlebells. We are a tight community. Mr. Miller joins in when he can and we all have a rollicking time as we build muscle mass, hone training skills and get that heart rate going.
Once in a while, along comes a client who refuses to cooperate.
I have very few rules but they all revolve around boundaries and respect. For instance. If you take over the conversation to the point where 99% of my other customers check in with me before class to see if you-know-who will be there, you will not last long. If you show up late repeatedly while simultaneously questioning and undermining my training methods, it’s not going to go well for you. If you constantly ask for times and days to train that do not exist on my schedule, in a tone usually reserved for monocled cartoon characters who call their butler ‘Jeeves’ through clenched teeth, my gym is probably not the best fit for you.
And when we have a confrontation about it, and oh we will, you will have a chance to redeem yourself. If you were to own your accountability in the situation, we could make things right. If the words I’m sorry happen to be a part of your vocabulary, or any phrase that denotes respect for my time and energy, there’s a good chance we will be able to continue working together.
That has never happened.
Instead what happens is they fire themselves. It is in the confontation that these clients show me who they are. They make it crystal clear that they share zero accountability, blame me for my reaction, and double down on their right to special privileges far beyond the scope of a group training class card.
Why are you so angry?
I can’t believe something so small made you this pissed.
Maybe I just shouldn’t come to the gym anymore.
Some of us actually have full-time jobs.
Dig after dig, rude upon rude. It’s no wonder I finally snapped like a California twig and shouted, “Get the fuck out of my gym!”
God it felt good.
But not for long.
It sucks to lose your temper. It’s traumatic in the way it replays in your head, void of context, leaving you guilty and tired in the days that follow. Protecting myself from this type of outburst is in everyone’s interest.
My own asshole accountability lies in not honoring my resentment when it was still in its infancy. I didn’t listen to my own anger. I ignored it, disregarded it, disrespected it. If only I’d addressed it sooner, things wouldn’t have gotten to this point. So I take that lesson and vow to pay it forward to the next entitled client.
There’s always a next one.
Because life happens for us, not to us.
And the same is true with the politics of the day.
By now most of us in the middle class have gone from outside the purview of those who typically suffer the failures of policy, to inside this circle of postmodern hell.
Transgenderism for me. Covid for so many others. Immigration, inflation, take your pick.
But truly we are all being screwed by the most powerful assholes on earth, and those of us who can see it just cannot get over how blind half the country remains.
They are allowing themselves to be manipulated by the propaganda arm of the left, aka mainstream media and the entertainment industry, while the rest of us are like, Hell no. Fuck right off, asshole.
What assholes do is criticize your reaction to their offense, which they minimize into insignificant nothingness.
Why are you making such a big deal?
What assholes do is disregard your boundaries so they can trample all over them.
Why do you care so much?
What assholes do is paint themselves in a benevolent light while smearing your character to such a degree that you’re “literal Hitler.”
And finally, what assholes do is they dishonor their own rage until they are devoured by a much bigger, far more brutal asshole.
Don’t be an asshole. Honor your rage. Speak up. Speak out. Or we’re all doomed.
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You’re talking about people with Cluster B personality disorders. The narcissists, borderlines, bi-polars, the unhinged self-entitled ones who have no insight, no empathy and are effectively non-functional in social settings. They may be inherently good folks who have been monumentally abused and messed up by crazy parents or circumstances. Sometimes they’re just assholes and, lucky for you, they go away when confronted.
The question is: how much wiggle room are you allowed to give yourself when dealing with assholes without becoming one yourself?
I haven’t read Josh Slocum in awhile but something told me to check in on him today because he’s an expert in this department, and I found this:
https://disaffectedpod.substack.com/p/no-i-will-not-take-the-high-road
If I understand him correctly, and it may apply to your post today: sometimes it’s more important to say what needs to be said. You may feel like an asshole because you’re intrinsically moral and self-aware, perhaps overly so. But Josh is giving himself/you/us a pass because sometimes the message supersedes the medium. And of course, this applies in the public as well as the private sphere.
I really appreciate you spelling out the argument for keeping boundaries firm and well-guarded. Truly a righteous cause. And it's an apt message given the news out of the U.K. this weekend. In that case the a$$holes are the ones failing to guard the boundaries (borders) and doing the suppressing of grievances that has led to these predictable eruptions of violent rage, and then having the gall to follow it with gaslighting and mind games in the propaganda arena — equally predictable from a$$holes, I guess. But the awakening masses across the West really must learn to keep their heads if they hope to win the game. The stakes are well beyond preservation of one's own personal peace.