Miss Miller is having the time of her life at college and I continue not to chronicle it here. In all honesty, now that she’s no longer at that school, I’m so much more relaxed. Also, my parents’ deaths have distracted me from—or illuminated for me—my gluttony of all things relating to leaving the left.
Maybe now in my orphanic (coining that) wisdom, I don’t feel the pressing need to win arguments I’m only fighting in my head anymore. Like, usually any time someone on the left says something vaguely woke, pro-abortion, or otherwise anti-Trump I have this compulsive tendency to race to the internet to shore up all the reasons they are wrong, even if we never argue about it IRL, though of course sometimes we do, ahem.
Plus, the less I focus on conservative newsfeeds, the better things are with Mr. Miller and me. It’s not like I don’t know who I’m voting for. Even if neighborhood yentas leave craft happenings around town:
But then of course the VP debate is tonight. And though it’s an unpopular opinion in some circles, I do very much like J.D. Vance. I liked his memoir, I like his clear, articulate speaking style and I do not believe that he is weird. Walz is weird. Oops, there I go again. I can feel the pull.
Sometimes I scroll through X but it always leaves me feeling like I need to hurry out of the high school bathroom, with its foul odor and jumbo Sharpie graffiti. Instagram is better because monkeys and puppies. YouTube is lovely because Ozempic dangers revealed and lip filler horror stories. Plus great white shark attacks.
But even better is sitting on my back steps with a latte, looking up at the enormous Christmas tree in the neighbor’s yard and communing with that quiet sky beast, standing there so cool, swaying in the breeze, needing to impress no one, crows cawing around his stately spire. Tree, you inspire me to still myself. To stay rooted. To inhale your oxygen. The laundry can wait.
Ya feel me?
In this terribly sage spirit of letting go I bring you one of my earliest archived pieces, from May 21 2022, in which I am up to my ear balls in terror that Miss Miller will hurtle down the trans pipeline toward certain doom. It’s essays like this that really consolidate my escape from treachery.
First very quickly, please consider a paid subscription if you find value in my work, or feel free to buy me a coffee. I 🤎 coffee. Thanks for your support! And now…
Mrs Miller and Wayne Yang*
Two neighbors chat.
(So this is a thing I do. In times of stress I record voice memo diary entries. Then I play them back. Hearing my voice outside my head, saying things I relate to so much more than I relate to things other people say… comforts me 100% of the time. Maybe it’s a form of healthy narcissism, or self-soothing. Maybe it’s insane but I’m too old to care. Anyway, this morning I recorded a conversation between myself and my friend and neighbor, Wayne Yang—not his real name. In fact, all the names have been changed. Even the dog. This is the first voice memo I’ve transcribed and published. Something in it seemed valuable. Maybe it will be to someone else too. Thanks for reading.)
MM: Morning. It’s dog walk time. Packages. Graduation outfit. Um, oh my god it’s so humid! Bella’s* already pooping. Um, I did have two margaritas last night and I think it probably wasn’t something I should continue if I want to lose weight because um, I, I think each one has over two hundred calories, is that true? When I put it into My Fitness Pal, and um, and also, um, then I ate a bag of microwave popcorn, which apparently has three servings per bag, um, which is like 450 calories, is that what one-fifty times four is?
Uh, these black-capped chickadees are so cute. They’re SO cute. Come on Bella! Chicka-dee-dee-dee!
Anyway, so I woke up, I was like one-thirty-seven point six pounds today, and I think I’m furious still at Mr Miller. He just came upstairs looking sad, tired and dejected, um, and I think he’s upset that I’m stressed and panicking the way I am over Miss Miller and I’m stressed that he won’t be on board (sigh) I mean he is, he agrees with me but it’s like we’re pushing each other in different directions by not agreeing um, with each other.
I see Wayne.
And uh, but you know I’m just fucking doing—I’m fifty-two years old. I’m gonna be fifty-three next week. I am a grown woman. Do not worry about me. I actually can take care of myself.
Yes this thing has me incredibly stressed. And angry, enraged. And frustrated. This is my DAUGHTER. Somebody said, somebody commented, I mean people liked my comment on the Substack, on the uh, PITT Substack, um, but one person commented, get your daughter out of public school, and I just was like, that is not helpful. I just said, are you gonna help me pay for private school or come help me home school her? Um, yeah, I’m in a definite take no prisoners um, mode. I think I might have to say hi to Wayne if he sees me. I can’t tell if he’s doing something outside or inside. He’s doing something in his compost garden or something.
(To Wayne) Morning! You seem busy! I don’t wanna keep you.
W: You sound much better.
MM: Well I only had one coffee today.
W: (laughs) What’s going on.
MM: And it wasn’t espresso.
W: You got class today?
MM: I do.
W: How’d it go with Miss Miller, did you talk to her yesterday at all or no?
MM: I said to her, I, I was just like, can you come here for a minute? I was like, we haven’t talked in like three days, is something going on? Are you upset about something? And she’s like (shrugs) Mmmm, and I was like what is it? And she was like, Bye! Gotta go! And I was like, to me that clearly indicated that she was avoiding talking about something that was bothering her.
W: Yup.
MM: I told the story to Mr Miller and, and now I’m just angry at both of them. Cause he’s like, he, he didn’t see it that way. I feel like he and I are at odds with each other right now, so like the way I’m going with this whole thing he doesn’t like, and so—
W: What does he want you to do?
MM: He… wants me to fucking relax a little bit I think? He thinks I’m radicalizing myself but I’m, this is just, you know, this is just me. It’s like, I’m gonna be fifty-three next week, gimme a fucking, uh benefit of the doubt. Just, I don’t know. I’m just angry. But like—
W: You’re still trying to control things. You gotta let go man. Easier said than done—
MM: How do you let go? How do do it Wayne.
W: I just repeat the mantra, relax and let go. I can’t control it—
MM: And it works for you?
W: I’m working on it, I’m working on it.
MM: What’s the mantra?
W: Just relax and let go. Relax and release.
MM: But I don’t want to.
W: That’s the problem. That’s why you’re suffering. You can’t control it.
MM: But who said I’m suffering. I said I’m angry. But I didn’t say I’m suffering.
W: I’d say anger is a form of suffering, don’t you think?
MM: Not necessarily.
W: Okay. (laughs.) You haven’t seen the light yet, but—
MM: All right.
W: No but, yes, it’s tough, because you wanna control it, I completely understand where you’re coming from. But, at the end of the day all you can do is just give her the best support, give her the best guidance and it’s her life, you know, you can’t—
MM: It’s her life but she’s only sixteen.
W: Yeah I know I know. You continue to support her but at the end of the day it’s her life—
MM: So you think I’m overreacting too?
W: No I don’t think you’re overreacting, I think it’s completely natural, I would react the same way, but you’re just torturing yourself. You’re suffering. Alone.
MM: You really think I seem like I’m suffering?
W: Nah but you know what I mean. Like, like you’re not happy!
MM: Oh…
W: Because you’re trying to control the situation.
MM: Mmm… Maybe. Maybe. I don’t know. Like I said yesterday—
W: I completely understand—
MM: I’m miserable when, when I’m sad. But I don’t feel sad. Anger like gives me… I guess I equate suffering with a loss of self-worth and a loss of confidence, in my own experience, so I’m not feeling those things, So that makes me think—
W: You’re not at peace.
MM: Yeah but peace, like I’m not content—
W: Yeah.
MM: But I’m at peace with who I am.
W: Yeah but you’re not at peace with the situation.
MM: Right. Right, right, right.
W: Because you can’t control that. You just gotta learn to relax and release. Because you can’t control it. You do the best you can—
MM: I don’t know about relax and release. I don’t know how much I—
W: It’s a work in progress, it’s not easy—
MM: I think you can’t force yourself to feel things you don’t feel. Whether that’s relaxing or letting go. Like those kinds of things just sound empty to me? Like I feel like um, I can only do what I can—like if that were my goal, then, then I could work in some way toward investigating my feelings with that end in mind. But right now I don’t care about that.
W: Right, like I’m not saying don’t do anything about the situation. You want to still guide her, and you know, uh, support her, but you don’t want to control the result. You just try to, you know—
MM: I DO want to control the result. (laughs.)
W: But that’s the problem. That’s why you’re not at peace. Yeah that’s what I’m saying. You’re not at peace.
MM: Yeah. Okay. So from that perspective—
W: You’re aware of that. You’re not at peace.
MM: I guess so. I guess I can I can see that.
W: Yeah.
MM: But um,
W: Cause it’s not going to get any better.
MM: You know, you know, I, I well, I started watching um, people who, so there’s YouTubers who watch these crazy TikTok videos and then they make a video about the Tik—so anyway, this morning I watched a, a video about TikTokers who fake Tourette’s Syndrome, and who fake multiple personality disorder, and um, and, and it’s like oh please, don’t let Miss Miller start doing that, cause they’re all trans-identified and they’re all—
W: Who are, the people who are faking it or the people making fun of it.
MM: No, no. The people making fun of them, one is actually, well is a trans woman, but a truly gender dysphoric trans woman. Like an adult. And the people making the Tik Tok videos are kids like Miss Miller, like very young, white women who believe they’re trans, who suddenly have mental disorders.
W: Well they’re crying out for attention. They want to feel important.
MM: Yeah, well, didn’t Miss Miller get enough attention?
W: Not from me, but yeah. From you guys. (laughs.)
MM: You used to call her your best friend! Your BFF when she was a little girl!
W: Yeah (laughs). Yes. Yes. But I don’t know why she’s, so I guess she’s crying out for attention from her peers.
MM: Yeah, maybe.
W: Yeah. But it’s sad, all these people sound like they—
MM: It just drives me crazy. And then I guess part of me wanting to control it is part of, is probably me saying on some level, consciously or subconsciously, what did I do wrong—
W: You didn’t do anything wrong.
MM: —that I produced this person.
W: You didn’t do anything wrong. I, I, look, we have no control over our kids. You have two kids that are completely different. I have two kids that are completely different. Same family. Same—
MM: And that’s why we don’t have just one. Because then we really would blame ourselves.
W: Yes. And you didn’t do anything. All you can do is support her, guide her, but you gotta relax and release. You can’t control it, you know.
MM: You’re so zen.
W: No but I mean, it’s it’s easier said than done. I’ve been working on this.
MM: I’m gonna think about it.
W: Think about it. You’ll be much happier. Much more peaceful.
MM: All right. Maybe I can get to that place.
W: Yeah, because you’re just—
MM: I just keep fueling my fire.
W: Yeah right, exactly! Think about it when you’re working out but other times just—
MM: I’m gonna ponder it. Cause there is a real morbid satisfaction. It’s almost like eating a cheeseburger when you’re really really hungry the way I feel when I when I consume this material that criticizes what she’s doing.
W: But then you’re in the, and yeah I completely understand, but you’re in the mix. You’re not, you need to be detached to guide her. If you’re so in there wrestling with her, you’re not guiding her correctly.
MM: Ahh… Oh you’re so wise!
W: It’s easier said than done. I’ve been working on this.
MM: Do you have books and things that you’ve read?
W: No I’ve just listened to podcasts.
MM: Well, send me links. Seriously.
W: Yeah no no,
MM: Or can you name a podcast off the top of your head that really helped you?
W: It’s just various, I listen to different people—
MM: Well I want names. I want receipts man. I wanna know what you know.
W: But you know what I mean you gotta—
MM: Yeah I do.
W: Because you’re in the fray right now.
MM: Yeah yeah. And you were like that with Glen*?
W: Yeah, with a lot of things. With work. With life in general. It’s just, the sooner you realize you can’t control things, just do the best you can—
MM: So you’re seeing in me what you saw in yourself.
W: Correct. Exactly.
MM: Okay. All right.
W: You’re miserable. You know.
MM: I’m not miserable! Stop telling me what I’m—
W: You’re, I mean you’re not at peace! I was miserable when I—
MM: Yeah. No. I mean, to me, misery is when you wake up and you’re like ugh, I just wanna stay in bed all day and I don’t want to face anything.
W: Yeah.
MM: I feel more like a soldier. Like a warrior. Like I’ve got a fight to fight. So, I guess that’s another way of not being at peace, is fighting, right?
W: Yeah, again, I—
MM: I guess what I’m saying is there’s a certain empowerment I feel—
W: Yes. I completely understand what you’re saying.
MM: So that to me, isn’t misery. So I think what we’re having is like um, a dispute about language.
W: Yeah but it’s not solving the problem.
MM: Right. Okay. All right. I have to keep walking.
W: All right party on.
MM: It’s fucking hot today.
W: Yeah it’s gonna be ninety-six. You like my uh planter? (Holds up a paper Chinese food carton.)
MM: Oh it’s perfect.
W: Haha.
MM: Talk about cultural appropriation. Wait a minute!
W: Haha see ya.
MM: (to myself) All right. Um, so he said some, he said some interesting, well he said, uh, it definitely got me thinking, and um, I don’t know if I’m ready to let go, I just, it’s like I said about the cheeseburger, I just love consuming the information. It’s so delicious and tasty and sweet salty and sour. Fatty, and meaty and mmm yum. I just I do. But I’m going to ruin my relationship with Miss Miller because I’m starting to look at her with disdain. And I don’t want to do that. But god forbid, if she fucking develops a tic or dissociative identity disorder I will fucking wring her neck.
All right I’m gonna listen to this back and let’s see what we got.
I’ve had wine, need to make dinner and my husband keeps interrupting my reading. (Bless his heart 😐) so this may sound kinda harsh and unfiltered… I keep waiting for the post where Mr M finally pulls his head out of his ass and realizes that daughters need FATHERS. masculine fathers that lays down the law and tell them that nonsense will not be tolerated. Mr M seems to have forgotten that parenting is hard. When we all die and have to face whatever we have to face, he will have to deal with putting his comfort before saving her.
omg that painted rock. and of course the conversation from the archives!!! thanks for always putting it all out there.