The problem I'm having, and maybe someone can help me, is that I'm beginning to severely dislike people I have liked and even loved my entire life. I have taken myself off of FB and Instagram because of posts like "If you believe X, Y and Z you're an idiot, racist, blah blah blah." I don't care if people disagree with me, but it's the name calling right away. Is our friendship just over? I don't want it to be, but maybe people grow up and grow apart and I should just leave it at that.
Mrs. Miller, I hope you can get back to a place of peace.
I feel this. I started thinking to myself recently, "I love my friends. I just don't respect them." This works for me (so far!). I left FB and Insta too, and there are SO MANY people I said (in my head) 'buh bye' to, and it feels great. The small number of close friends I keep, I try to appreciate for who they are while putting the differences aside. They are propagandized, and don't know it.
I found that when I lost respect---moral and ethical respect--for someone very close to me for decades, the friendship couldn't survive. I couldn't pretend.
Leaving these nasty SM platforms also makes you realize how much headspace people take up who you have nothing to do with in the real world. If it weren’t for SM you’d probably never pass a word with them for the rest of your life. Except at maybe a high school reunion 😂
I think you need to think about these people like they’re part of a cult. Keep an open heart, an open mind, & pray for them. We can’t always know what pressure they might be under by a child or other family member to stay within the cult.
I think it’s admirable that you both agreed to stop doing the thing that disrupts your marriage. After all, isn’t that exactly the thing this system is designed to do? Cause anger, disruption, disenfranchise and create division among all of us? We are easier to control that way, as we become more isolated, feeling adrift in our own convictions.
Mainstream media is very persuasive and has also been designed to conjoin our politics with our personal identities. And no one wants to be a Trump loving, maga white supremacist racist. A good person will defy all logic and intuitive thought when faced with that as a consequence.
I recently read that the entire scope is designed to corral us into one way of thinking. The normal, moderate, logical and critical thinkers are demonized as fascist right wingers so that the far left appears moderate instead of far left. The “Trump” candidate resonates with the logical then turns that faction into racists, fascist monsters so that anyone having an identity crisis seeks refuge with the “other” candidate, completely irrespective of that party’s reputation or platform.
There are only ever two “sides” which is conceptually ridiculous if you stop and think. We are being led by our noses.
I spent years leaning “right” but feeling oddly demonized and guilty for seeing through the left’s deception and being regarded as an ugly thinker. I couldn’t figure it out and constantly self-analyzed and reflected. But now I believe they are ALL part of a bigger power play and I refuse to call myself anything, to fit into their binary boxes. People make assumptions about me if I give my opinion, but are surprised at my non-party position which has no place in the game. That also makes people angry. You either pick their side or you’re an enemy.
Mr. Miller is right about (at least) one thing: nothing you discuss or are angry about or what you stand for will change any of this. You are only spitting in the wind. Even voting is bullshit (not the concept but the reality). The best way through this is quietly, stealthily and strategically navigating all the pitfalls to the best of your ability and taking care of family business-make sure you don’t let them take that away from you. Create the atmosphere, memories and survival skills that best serve you all.
You are speaking to and for my heart and this, and the last few of your essays just beat like a drum in my head, and I’m almost dumb or choking from the backup of too many words in response to yours. Thank you for being so raw and so honest and so fucking eloquent. I can relate on levels I don’t even fully intellectually comprehend. I’m feeling my way into a new reality, right there with you, woman. Even though y’all are virtual (literally) strangers, I’m keeping you and the Mr. and the mini Millers in my heart. Right next to the Israelis and my whole extended Jewish family, waiting for the recurring horrors of Tisha B’Av.
Yes PLEASE!! Where’s the halfway point between my mosquito infested swamp in the South Carolina Midlands and where you live? I’ll wear a red carnation, if not the red hat 😍
Thank you for this follow-up piece; even though I don’t know you personally, I’ve been thinking- and even worrying!- about you and the Mr. since your last essay. I think AL is right about “taking care of family business.” Even though my hubby and I agree more than ever on politics (former Dem me coming around to his conservative ways), I have found that I have to (periodically at least) tone down my obsession with reading political news and looking at social media- it’s just not good for either my mental health or blood pressure. More importantly, I have to remember that what he and I really need to focus on is not changing the world, but getting our daughter through this absolute mess as unscathed as possible, while keeping our immediate family intact. (Also, as an aside, do you read The Free Press? Perhaps Mr. Miller would consider it as an alternative to MSM).
The Free Press can feel more accessible to the left, I think. I have tried to share that with people. Did you see the take down of Bari Weis in the nytimes? They are appalling and they are afraid of her.
I think I may have already said this in a previous comment, but I feel like we are living the same life right now. I’m down in the dumps today because of a sad conversation I had with my husband yesterday about how he can only handle hearing me talk about our trans identifying daughter so much. He also would rather not listen to me share all of the new things I’m learning from those amazing people you listed. It does feel so lonely not being able to talk to him about things that are important to me. He practically begged me to get another hobby so that he would have something to talk to me about! It sucks that gender ideology stole our daughter and is now seriously fucking with our marriage 😩
Man. Wow. We are in such similar situations. It feels like it's us complying with their requests for comfort. Making more sacrifices. But maybe I'm deluded and I hope it's not true. Thanks for letting me know we're not alone.
I know what you’re saying about making more sacrifices. I’m going to try to look at it as an important sacrifice to help save our marriage. He also said he feels terrible that he isn’t able to handle everything I want to talk to him about, so that softens things for me a bit. Sending strength!!
It’s so hard. I’ve been where you are. Not talking about it healed us. I’ve calmed down more and he woke up more. It was a big blender of God’s grace. Im going to pray for you, MrsMiller ♥️
You are a wonderful writer Mrs. Miller. I always read your posts! However, you haven't convinced me of what seems to be your point of view, that "the right" or Republican politicians are to be trusted and supported. Though as you know, we agree on the many ways "the left" or the Democrats (like you, my former affiliation) are not to be trusted. They are no longer my people. I just haven't landed anywhere near same place as you. So I have some sympathy for Mr. Miller who is in an even more different place than you, as well as oodles of sympathy for you. (Although no sympathy for him in stating that dude boxer who won the gold was a woman. That is sad that that they convinced him to believe such horseshit.)
Some people in these gender-hurt and angry spaces loudly assert that it's a cop-out to claim to be "politically homeless." Yeah, it's become a hackneyed phrase, but they are wrong. It's how I feel. If you don't belong, you don't belong. I do respect you and your choices and current political stance, even though I don't share it. You have a right to it. Although there is a list of "conservative" thinkers who I don't trust, I do respect and admire many of the thinkers you list who have influenced you. They have influenced me too.
But as far as the politicians, I don't trust any of them. Certainly not Donald Trump. I don't trust chronic liars and he has proven to be a chronic liar and cheater as well. (And no, I don't take Rachel Maddow's word for it, and I don't trust Democratic politicians anymore either.)
But in truth, all that doesn't matter. What matters is sharing and trying to make the world a better place, which you attempt to do. What I am most interested in about your posts is the raw beauty, very cool metaphors (loved the carcass!) and honesty, sharing your experiences in real time. I sincerely hope that you and Mr. Miller CAN talk more at some point, can hash more of it out, be open, and learn from each other. I know it's hard if he won't listen to the podcast or read the article--but as his partner, IMO you have the right to demand to be respected for YOUR intelligence and your journey, and he should at least sometimes listen to the podcast or read the article. And maybe he has a source of information that you can carefully access, re-evaluate your position even, and discuss. Always wishing you and the whole Miller family the best. ❤️
The not talking politics is tricky because so many assumptions are baked into how we talk. My wife and daughter freely switch between singular and plural pronouns for individuals. They’ve accepted the premise that distinguishing between singular and plural, male and female aren’t actually important, so I’m the trouble maker when not going along with the new normal that has been presented to me.
So I’ve been trying to reconnect with my wife too. Then we’ll be talking about family friends and my wife will they/them a preteen girl who we have known forever. Do I make trouble by questioning what it means for this kid to be NB or just roll my eyes and let the moment pass?
It’s such a bizarre “you don’t know what you don’t know” thing. If someone told me in 2005 the biggest disagreements I’d have with my wife would be over pronouns and “what is a woman” I’d have thought the person was a lunatic and not a time traveler with accurate, future information.
I think if it’s ok for them to decide to change pronouns it’s equally ok for you not to change yours. You’re not a monkey. Just because someone else decides that black is white and vice versa, doesn’t mean you have to degrade yourself and go along with it when you know it’s false. I disagree that it’s not important. It’s actually a lie they’re willing to tell to get along.
Hard agree. Everyone gets to choose how they describe reality. The pronoun police want to control the normies; the normies must not fall into a parallel illiberalism.
I have a very close friend who said the same thing to me: 'she was born female'. And I had to explain the concept of a legal fiction. Where we are now is so fascinating/tragic. 'Orwellian' is a played-out term, but that's what it is. I say to these people: You have been able to identify men and women your entire life, and now you see this MAN (clearly a man) and the media tells you he's a woman and you believe it. 'Ignore the evidence of your eyes'. It's insane.
My children are brainwashed for the leftist bullshit. But I still love them and don’t discuss politics with them. Ask yourself- Can you deal with your ignorant hubby or not? There must have been some reasons you married him. What would your life be like without him? Food for thought.
The danger is if the chasm between your and your husband's political views ultimately belies a chasm between your values. That is when things get very ugly. It sounds like you're trying to navigate this together as best you can, but it is impossible to live, in my opinion, with someone who does not share your most basic human values. This sounds super crappy, and I'm sorry to drop it here, but sometimes the roads do diverge. I pray that this is not ultimately the case for you and your husband.
You and hubs need to take up country dancing! Seriously I could list new country artists I've leaned to love as my politics has shifted, just like the authors and thinkers you named. Oliver Anthony led me to Tyler Childers and so many others I love.
💯 and yet we know why. They still have TDS and believe that we're in more danger from his mythical imminent dictatorship. If more of us left-defectors pop up in liberal bubbles maybe we can make a real difference.
I hope so, I really hope so. I am not stupid and know trump isn't the saviour of the world BUT I cannot see anyone else right now on the horizon willing to fight this head on as he is doing, so for now I do believe he can get the US out of stepping In dog shit on the political pavement of a coming civil war.
Lincoln may have freed the slaves, but he *was definitely* a White Supremacist.
"I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and Black races. ... There is a physical difference between the white and Black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality."
I was curious about that quote too, as I have heard it referred to. Here's (what seems like a reliable) archive that includes Lincoln's pretty clear views about the subject in debates with Stephen Douglas. (corrected--I wrote Frederick Douglas at first!)
Thanks for that, Elizabeth. Just read through some of it. It always makes my eyes hurt when text is white on a black background. Ironic? Idk. Lincoln is a man of his time. But he is still on the side of equal rights for all men no matter their color, even if his views on race hierarchy align with the majority of the day.
> "One of those worms was when Mr Miller said Imane Khelif was born female."
You might ask "Mr. Miller" how he thinks that Khelif is going to be able to conceive and give birth to a baby. Particularly since "she" apparently has (non-functional) testicles. And no ovaries -- something of a sine qua non for "female".
Though you might note that, strictly speaking and based on standard biological definitions for the sexes, no babies have a sex at birth and only acquire one at the onset of puberty.
The problem I'm having, and maybe someone can help me, is that I'm beginning to severely dislike people I have liked and even loved my entire life. I have taken myself off of FB and Instagram because of posts like "If you believe X, Y and Z you're an idiot, racist, blah blah blah." I don't care if people disagree with me, but it's the name calling right away. Is our friendship just over? I don't want it to be, but maybe people grow up and grow apart and I should just leave it at that.
Mrs. Miller, I hope you can get back to a place of peace.
Ending a friendship over politics and articles like that might mean the friendship wasn't strong in the first place.
Good point. I don't argue with anyone, but I want to.
Totally.
I feel this. I started thinking to myself recently, "I love my friends. I just don't respect them." This works for me (so far!). I left FB and Insta too, and there are SO MANY people I said (in my head) 'buh bye' to, and it feels great. The small number of close friends I keep, I try to appreciate for who they are while putting the differences aside. They are propagandized, and don't know it.
I found that when I lost respect---moral and ethical respect--for someone very close to me for decades, the friendship couldn't survive. I couldn't pretend.
It's terrible.
Leaving these nasty SM platforms also makes you realize how much headspace people take up who you have nothing to do with in the real world. If it weren’t for SM you’d probably never pass a word with them for the rest of your life. Except at maybe a high school reunion 😂
I think you need to think about these people like they’re part of a cult. Keep an open heart, an open mind, & pray for them. We can’t always know what pressure they might be under by a child or other family member to stay within the cult.
Also a good point. I try to see it from their perspective but it's the hysteria and vitriol that I can't deal with.
I think it’s admirable that you both agreed to stop doing the thing that disrupts your marriage. After all, isn’t that exactly the thing this system is designed to do? Cause anger, disruption, disenfranchise and create division among all of us? We are easier to control that way, as we become more isolated, feeling adrift in our own convictions.
Mainstream media is very persuasive and has also been designed to conjoin our politics with our personal identities. And no one wants to be a Trump loving, maga white supremacist racist. A good person will defy all logic and intuitive thought when faced with that as a consequence.
I recently read that the entire scope is designed to corral us into one way of thinking. The normal, moderate, logical and critical thinkers are demonized as fascist right wingers so that the far left appears moderate instead of far left. The “Trump” candidate resonates with the logical then turns that faction into racists, fascist monsters so that anyone having an identity crisis seeks refuge with the “other” candidate, completely irrespective of that party’s reputation or platform.
There are only ever two “sides” which is conceptually ridiculous if you stop and think. We are being led by our noses.
I spent years leaning “right” but feeling oddly demonized and guilty for seeing through the left’s deception and being regarded as an ugly thinker. I couldn’t figure it out and constantly self-analyzed and reflected. But now I believe they are ALL part of a bigger power play and I refuse to call myself anything, to fit into their binary boxes. People make assumptions about me if I give my opinion, but are surprised at my non-party position which has no place in the game. That also makes people angry. You either pick their side or you’re an enemy.
Mr. Miller is right about (at least) one thing: nothing you discuss or are angry about or what you stand for will change any of this. You are only spitting in the wind. Even voting is bullshit (not the concept but the reality). The best way through this is quietly, stealthily and strategically navigating all the pitfalls to the best of your ability and taking care of family business-make sure you don’t let them take that away from you. Create the atmosphere, memories and survival skills that best serve you all.
You are speaking to and for my heart and this, and the last few of your essays just beat like a drum in my head, and I’m almost dumb or choking from the backup of too many words in response to yours. Thank you for being so raw and so honest and so fucking eloquent. I can relate on levels I don’t even fully intellectually comprehend. I’m feeling my way into a new reality, right there with you, woman. Even though y’all are virtual (literally) strangers, I’m keeping you and the Mr. and the mini Millers in my heart. Right next to the Israelis and my whole extended Jewish family, waiting for the recurring horrors of Tisha B’Av.
Wait when are we meeting for dinner????
Yes PLEASE!! Where’s the halfway point between my mosquito infested swamp in the South Carolina Midlands and where you live? I’ll wear a red carnation, if not the red hat 😍
The red hat! Yussss.
Hat Tip from Aiken.
Thank you for this follow-up piece; even though I don’t know you personally, I’ve been thinking- and even worrying!- about you and the Mr. since your last essay. I think AL is right about “taking care of family business.” Even though my hubby and I agree more than ever on politics (former Dem me coming around to his conservative ways), I have found that I have to (periodically at least) tone down my obsession with reading political news and looking at social media- it’s just not good for either my mental health or blood pressure. More importantly, I have to remember that what he and I really need to focus on is not changing the world, but getting our daughter through this absolute mess as unscathed as possible, while keeping our immediate family intact. (Also, as an aside, do you read The Free Press? Perhaps Mr. Miller would consider it as an alternative to MSM).
I do read the free press. Mr miller has negative views of bari too and he's made it clear I'm not to send articles. It's frustrating.
The Free Press can feel more accessible to the left, I think. I have tried to share that with people. Did you see the take down of Bari Weis in the nytimes? They are appalling and they are afraid of her.
I have tried to share as well. I did not see the Bari piece so I’ll look it up!
I think I may have already said this in a previous comment, but I feel like we are living the same life right now. I’m down in the dumps today because of a sad conversation I had with my husband yesterday about how he can only handle hearing me talk about our trans identifying daughter so much. He also would rather not listen to me share all of the new things I’m learning from those amazing people you listed. It does feel so lonely not being able to talk to him about things that are important to me. He practically begged me to get another hobby so that he would have something to talk to me about! It sucks that gender ideology stole our daughter and is now seriously fucking with our marriage 😩
Man. Wow. We are in such similar situations. It feels like it's us complying with their requests for comfort. Making more sacrifices. But maybe I'm deluded and I hope it's not true. Thanks for letting me know we're not alone.
I know what you’re saying about making more sacrifices. I’m going to try to look at it as an important sacrifice to help save our marriage. He also said he feels terrible that he isn’t able to handle everything I want to talk to him about, so that softens things for me a bit. Sending strength!!
Same here and back at ya. 💪🏼💪🏼
How old is your daughter and does she live at home?
It’s so hard. I’ve been where you are. Not talking about it healed us. I’ve calmed down more and he woke up more. It was a big blender of God’s grace. Im going to pray for you, MrsMiller ♥️
You are a wonderful writer Mrs. Miller. I always read your posts! However, you haven't convinced me of what seems to be your point of view, that "the right" or Republican politicians are to be trusted and supported. Though as you know, we agree on the many ways "the left" or the Democrats (like you, my former affiliation) are not to be trusted. They are no longer my people. I just haven't landed anywhere near same place as you. So I have some sympathy for Mr. Miller who is in an even more different place than you, as well as oodles of sympathy for you. (Although no sympathy for him in stating that dude boxer who won the gold was a woman. That is sad that that they convinced him to believe such horseshit.)
Some people in these gender-hurt and angry spaces loudly assert that it's a cop-out to claim to be "politically homeless." Yeah, it's become a hackneyed phrase, but they are wrong. It's how I feel. If you don't belong, you don't belong. I do respect you and your choices and current political stance, even though I don't share it. You have a right to it. Although there is a list of "conservative" thinkers who I don't trust, I do respect and admire many of the thinkers you list who have influenced you. They have influenced me too.
But as far as the politicians, I don't trust any of them. Certainly not Donald Trump. I don't trust chronic liars and he has proven to be a chronic liar and cheater as well. (And no, I don't take Rachel Maddow's word for it, and I don't trust Democratic politicians anymore either.)
But in truth, all that doesn't matter. What matters is sharing and trying to make the world a better place, which you attempt to do. What I am most interested in about your posts is the raw beauty, very cool metaphors (loved the carcass!) and honesty, sharing your experiences in real time. I sincerely hope that you and Mr. Miller CAN talk more at some point, can hash more of it out, be open, and learn from each other. I know it's hard if he won't listen to the podcast or read the article--but as his partner, IMO you have the right to demand to be respected for YOUR intelligence and your journey, and he should at least sometimes listen to the podcast or read the article. And maybe he has a source of information that you can carefully access, re-evaluate your position even, and discuss. Always wishing you and the whole Miller family the best. ❤️
Thank you Elizabeth!
The not talking politics is tricky because so many assumptions are baked into how we talk. My wife and daughter freely switch between singular and plural pronouns for individuals. They’ve accepted the premise that distinguishing between singular and plural, male and female aren’t actually important, so I’m the trouble maker when not going along with the new normal that has been presented to me.
So I’ve been trying to reconnect with my wife too. Then we’ll be talking about family friends and my wife will they/them a preteen girl who we have known forever. Do I make trouble by questioning what it means for this kid to be NB or just roll my eyes and let the moment pass?
Aaaaaahhhh I can't imagine keeping my mouth shut if that were the case. That's a deal breaker in my book.
It’s such a bizarre “you don’t know what you don’t know” thing. If someone told me in 2005 the biggest disagreements I’d have with my wife would be over pronouns and “what is a woman” I’d have thought the person was a lunatic and not a time traveler with accurate, future information.
I think if it’s ok for them to decide to change pronouns it’s equally ok for you not to change yours. You’re not a monkey. Just because someone else decides that black is white and vice versa, doesn’t mean you have to degrade yourself and go along with it when you know it’s false. I disagree that it’s not important. It’s actually a lie they’re willing to tell to get along.
Hard agree. Everyone gets to choose how they describe reality. The pronoun police want to control the normies; the normies must not fall into a parallel illiberalism.
I have a very close friend who said the same thing to me: 'she was born female'. And I had to explain the concept of a legal fiction. Where we are now is so fascinating/tragic. 'Orwellian' is a played-out term, but that's what it is. I say to these people: You have been able to identify men and women your entire life, and now you see this MAN (clearly a man) and the media tells you he's a woman and you believe it. 'Ignore the evidence of your eyes'. It's insane.
Word.
My children are brainwashed for the leftist bullshit. But I still love them and don’t discuss politics with them. Ask yourself- Can you deal with your ignorant hubby or not? There must have been some reasons you married him. What would your life be like without him? Food for thought.
The danger is if the chasm between your and your husband's political views ultimately belies a chasm between your values. That is when things get very ugly. It sounds like you're trying to navigate this together as best you can, but it is impossible to live, in my opinion, with someone who does not share your most basic human values. This sounds super crappy, and I'm sorry to drop it here, but sometimes the roads do diverge. I pray that this is not ultimately the case for you and your husband.
I wonder the same. Crappy or no. I appreciate you commenting this.
You and hubs need to take up country dancing! Seriously I could list new country artists I've leaned to love as my politics has shifted, just like the authors and thinkers you named. Oliver Anthony led me to Tyler Childers and so many others I love.
Agree on all those lefty lies plus add this one:
CRT is not taught in K-12 schools.
Yeehaw! Gonna check it out thanks Brigid!
At this point I don't know how anyone can support the current democrats. It baffles the mind
💯 and yet we know why. They still have TDS and believe that we're in more danger from his mythical imminent dictatorship. If more of us left-defectors pop up in liberal bubbles maybe we can make a real difference.
I hope so, I really hope so. I am not stupid and know trump isn't the saviour of the world BUT I cannot see anyone else right now on the horizon willing to fight this head on as he is doing, so for now I do believe he can get the US out of stepping In dog shit on the political pavement of a coming civil war.
Lincoln may have freed the slaves, but he *was definitely* a White Supremacist.
"I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and Black races. ... There is a physical difference between the white and Black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality."
(Lincoln-Douglas debates, Sept 18th, 1858)
Thanks for the history lesson. Will be looking into it. Can you comment with some links I can explore?
I was curious about that quote too, as I have heard it referred to. Here's (what seems like a reliable) archive that includes Lincoln's pretty clear views about the subject in debates with Stephen Douglas. (corrected--I wrote Frederick Douglas at first!)
https://housedivided.dickinson.edu/debates/cloud/white.html
Thanks for that, Elizabeth. Just read through some of it. It always makes my eyes hurt when text is white on a black background. Ironic? Idk. Lincoln is a man of his time. But he is still on the side of equal rights for all men no matter their color, even if his views on race hierarchy align with the majority of the day.
> "One of those worms was when Mr Miller said Imane Khelif was born female."
You might ask "Mr. Miller" how he thinks that Khelif is going to be able to conceive and give birth to a baby. Particularly since "she" apparently has (non-functional) testicles. And no ovaries -- something of a sine qua non for "female".
Though you might note that, strictly speaking and based on standard biological definitions for the sexes, no babies have a sex at birth and only acquire one at the onset of puberty.